Let the morning come
by HicEtNunc
Summary: AU. Killian never made the deal with Cora and was taken by the curse too. He is there when Emma arrives with Henry in Storybrooke. But her walls are high up since she has a serious illness, an illness that is going to kill her. She does not want anyone to find out, especially not Henry. Please read and review!
1. Prolog: I will forget my dreams

**Author's note:**

So this is just a second fiction I am working on, I am mainly focusing on my other CaptainSwan fic though (you might check that out as well :D ) I know this has been done before but I wanted to make my own version of it! Inspired by the movie "Now is Good"

Please read and rate :)

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><p><strong>Let the morning come<strong>

**Prologe: I will forget my dreams, nothing is what it seems**

„Emma, there'll be a slight pinch and burn, then the anesthetic will kick in. All right?" I nodded at him. He gave me the injection. I flinched because of the pain. I did not look at him, I just stared at some point behind him, trying to focus on something else than this room. The beautiful flowers out there, the sunny day. All was better than this small, crowded room with too many people in it, starring at me like I was an animal and no human at all. The doctor now faced the trainees and nurses.

„Now, I wiggle up and down to break the tissue around the insertion point. She may feel a slight tugging across the chest, but once the line detaches from the cuff, it will simply slide away. Now, of course I can reinsert the catheter should you wish to recommence your treatment." I looked at him confused.

„I'm saying you can change your mind. It would give you more time." More time. It sounded tempting. „I won't change my mind." „Okay then." He pulled the damn thing out. I closed my eyes until the strange feeling of burning in my chest faded. „Hold that for me." He took my hand and pressed it onto the insertion point. The pressure should help to stop the bleeding.

When I asked him the question - which was eating me up on the inside - I tried to sound calm and emotionless as if I did not care, as if it did not matter to me at all. But my voice was shaking. „How much time do you think I have left?" He winked at the trainees and nurses to give us some private time.

They walked out, having all forgotten about me. They were chatting about parties and holidays. But who could condemn them? I was just one of many to them. To everyone.

„I don't want to be drawn into time scales." „I won't sue if you are wrong." He gave me a sad smile. „Maybe a year, no more than that. If I were you, I would start doing things you always wanted to do. Maybe you should make a list." Tears were burning behind my eyes, but I did not want to be weak in front of him. I could not really process what he told me. A year. Only a year.

I sat up, feeling a bit dizzy. „And you know what to look for, right?" „Yeah. Chill, fever, stiff neck or headache. Drainage, bleeding, loss of strength." „You're good." „Thank you. I think I am going home now." „Is there anyone to pick you up?" I almost had to laugh out loud. He asked me, the orphan, who was thrown away by her parents, left on the streets to die, if there was anyone out there in the waiting room who cared enough to be here for me. I was alone all my life, always searching for the one thing I could not have. A family. Being loved. But in the 28 years I have lived, nothing has changed. I am still all by myself. „No, there is no one."

—

I was sitting in front of the TV, switching channels. But nothing seemed to interest me these days. I turned the TV off. A year. I have only one year left. I should not waste it with watching TV. What has the doctor said, a list? Maybe that was not a bad idea.

I picked up a pencil and a piece of paper. I just stared at the blank page. Nothing came to my mind, it was as if my brain has stopped operating correctly. My gaze was wandering through my small apartment. There were no pictures, no paintings, just white walls. I never owned much because I did not stay long anywhere, I have been on the move all my life.

Maybe that was my first point on the list. I wrote down: Finding a home. That was a beginning, but I needed some inspiration. So I googled what people did before their death. There were many people who have asked the same question as me. What to do with only a small amount of time left. Thank you internet.

I was browsing for many hours, reading the answers of the people. Most were suggesting adventurous things like jumping out of a plane but I was not the type to do such things. One answer although made me thoughtful. „What do you regret in your life? If you could go back in time what would you change? Maybe you should start there to decide what to do."

I regretted so many things in my life. And then, all of a sudden, many ideas flew into my mind. I wrote down: Opening up to people, finding friends, do not be alone anymore. I underlined the last point on the list.

Suddenly, I was thinking of Neal. He broke my heart, I never let someone in there again. So now the last point was, falling in love. And because of thinking about Neal, I also thought of the baby boy I gave away. What has become of him? So I wrote down: Meeting your son and apologize to him.

I read the list again and started laughing. What was I believing? That only because I am dying I can change my life all of a sudden? That I can be whoever I want to be? No, I can not alter who I am. I am a loner. I was alone my whole life, and I will die alone. I screwed the paper up and threw it into the dust bin.

I should have written down things that I was able to do. On my own. Like swimming in the ocean deep in the night, making a road trip, go on a party, hell, even taking drugs would be better than the shit that was standing on the other list. The other list was just a list of wishes from a little girl who has not lost hope. But I have lost hope a long time ago. I was just too broken. Life has shattered me because it never had anything to offer for poor little Emma Swan.

My head was aching as hell but I was used to this by now. I got so angry. Why me? Why did I had to go through all this? Tears started flowing.

All of a sudden, the door bell was ringing. I wondered who it could be. I was expecting no one. Who are you kidding Emma, you never got any visitors. I brushed away the tears and opened the door, hoping that whoever was there would not notice my tears. A boy was standing before my door.

At least, somebody I did not know. „Hey kid, I guess you took the wrong door. If you want to go to Justin, he is the next door." „I do not know any Justin. I wanted to you, Emma Swan." He knew my name, how? The door sign, Emma. For a moment I thought he knew me. What a crazy thought.

„Why? Where are your parents? Should I call them?" „You gave away a child when you were 18, didn't you?" „Is this some sick joke? Who told you that?" „No one. I am this kid." I looked into his eyes. Could it be? He somehow looked like Neal but there was a time when I saw Neal's face in everyone I met.

„Can I come in?" „No..." But he just walked past me. „Wait!" He walked around as if he owned this place already. „I am Henry by the way." He sat down. „Do your parents know that you are here?" He looked onto the floor. „Did you run away?" „Yes, so what?"

I somehow felt guilty. Maybe he was part of the foster system, maybe no one adopted him, maybe no one wanted him, just like no one wanted me. Maybe he went through a rough time with one of the families. I checked his face to see any signs of him being mistreated. How foolish of me, can't you remember Emma? They never leave signs of their beating on places other people could see.

„Excuse me for a second." I rushed into the bathroom. I washed my face with cold water to think straight. I looked into the mirror. I looked like shit. Why did he have to come now? I walked out of the bath room. „You have to come back to me, to Storybrooke." „Why would I do that? I cannot just leave, I have a job" (Lie), „I cannot leave everything behind. I will call the police now."

„Then I will say you kidnapped me." „What? Are you threatening me now? Let me tell you something, I have this superpower that I know when people are lying, and you my friend are only bluffing." „Okay, but please, just drop me off there, okay?" Think of your list Emma, you wanted to meet him. It was almost a miracle, that he was standing before your door when you wrote it down only minutes ago. Furthermore, you gave him away, you could do him at least one favor. „Let's go then. To Storybrooke, huh?"

Is everyone in this town crazy? First, the boy I gave away shows up and wants to convince me that my parents are fucking Snow White and Prince Charming and that they are cursed, just like every other fairytale character that was ever mentioned in a story. Above all, he thinks that I am their savior, that I can break the curse and give everyone their happy ending back.

He also showed me some pages in his storybook which he thinks are about me. He must be really troubled to flee into this crazy world of his where everyone was a fairytale character.

Me, a savior? I nearly laughed out loud. I could not even handle my own life. The only time that I have been happy was with Neal but we all know how that story ended.

Henry always looked at me as if every word that came out of my mouths would magically let rainbows appear all over Storybrooke. He was so convinced of his story, he had such believe in me. But he should not do such a foolish thing. I am no savior, neither his, nor anyone else's. He should not put all his hopes into me of freeing him from his mother.

Yeah, speaking of, Henry's adoptive mother was such a charming lady. That bitch, I can understand why he calls her the evil queen when Regina's not around. She also happens to be the major of this town. I wonder how she got so many votes. But as I said, crazy people.

She invited me into her home, she made small talk with me, while she was looking at me like she wanted to dagger me. She said something about her not knowing who Henry's parents were and that the documents were sealed.

Yeah, that's because I did not want to see him. I wanted to avoided this whole situation by doing so. Not because I was not interested in him, no, I knew that if I would see him one more time, I did not want to walk away again. But he deserved better. What could I have given him? A 18 year old girl without a job, without proper education. I would have been the worst mother ever.

Whenever I played our future through in my head, I knew that I was not ready to be a mother. I would have loved him from the bottom of my heart, but I could not have cared for him the way I had wanted. I wanted to give him his best chance, which I definitely was not.

Nonetheless, the major saw me as a threat to take her son away from her. I could read between the lines, she was threatening me. If only she knew anything about my life, she would not do such a foolish thing. Even if I could, I would not take him with me. I did not want him to get attached. I did not want to hurt him. I did not want him to see me die.

No, it was good the way it was. Henry was just going through a rough time. Growing up is not easy. Regina may be a strict mother but Henry is well taken care of, I am sure. At least, I hope so. But there is nothing that I could do to change things. I should not waste my time since I had only so little left.

—

I walked away from Regina's house. I somehow felt as if I was burning, I guess another fever-wave. I also felt a little dizzy, my vision got blurry. I tried to blink it away. I almost tripped over my own feet unless someone has caught me.

„Careful there." I looked into the bluest eyes I have ever seen. I could feel his breath cool against my hot skin. I had the feeling that time stood still. But then I was myself again and pulled away quickly. „Thanks." „You're welcome, love." Irish accent. Totally hot. Emma, stop!

„You new in town? I have never seen you before and don't take me wrong, but a face as yours, I would have remembered." He was smirking at me. „I was just dropping someone off." I wanted to walk to my car but was stopped by his voice. „Already leaving, love?" „Yes, I want to be home before dawn."

„Want to have a drink with me first?" Was he flirting with me? „I don't drink before driving." He has made a step towards me, ignoring my private space. I took a step back, only to find my back pressed against a wall. He placed his hands beside my head, leaning closer to me, making it impossible for me to escape.

„Don't worry, you can stay at my place till tomorrow." I have never met such a cocky bastard. I was boiling inside but my voice was calm. „I am not that kind of girl." „So what kind of girl are you then?" „Wouldn't you like to know?" „Perhaps I would."

He starred into my eyes, I was shivering under his intense gaze. He did not seem to notice. „Would you be so kind to take away your hands? You are wasting my time." He pushed himself from the wall. „Here you go." I did not say anything and just walked passed him. „In case you wondered, my name is Killian Jones." I turned around to face him again: „And I am ... Not interested, Killian Jones." As I walked away I could feel his eyes on me, which made my heart race.

I sat into my car. I felt so sleepy, these days I could sleep all day. Maybe I should have stayed one night. No Emma, you should not get attached. He may be the boy you gave birth to, but he is not your son. I was on my way out of Storybrooke and that was for the best.

Suddenly, a wolf appeared on the street. Wait, am I hallucinating? No, it was definitely there. I turned the wheel and crushed against a tree. My head hurt, everything was blurry. I tried to get out of the car, but then darkness took over.

When I woke up, I starred at a white ceiling. Where was I? This was definitely not my bed. I was shifting my weight, so that I could sit up and regretted it the moment I did. My head hurt. „Ah, the sleeping beauty decided to wake up. Finally." I slowly turned my head and saw that I was behind bars.

I was in jail? What has happened? „Who are you?" „I am the Sheriff." „Why am I in here?" „Driving under alcohol influence." „What? I did not drink." „But you had an accident and crushed into a tree." „Yeah, because a fucking wolf was on the street." „A wolf? In Maine? Of course."

„Did you make an alcohol test?" I looked him in the eyes and saw that that had not crossed his mind. „Well, then I do not think you have the right to keep me in here." Reluctantly, he searched for the right key and opened my cell.

„I will keep an eye on you." „I will not be here much longer." „Well, I guess, if you want to leave, there is a problem." „What now?" „Your car is at the auto repair shop. I think it's quite the damage." Perfect. Just perfect. „Where can I find this shop?" He then looked at my face and seemed to be guilty. I looked into the window and saw in my reflection, that I was bruised. It looked really bad. I hate my fucking life. „I'll take you there." „You don't have to." „Don't make me regret this."

As soon as the sheriff parked, I jumped out of the car. I could not stand this creepy silence between us any longer. I seemed to have pissed him off real bad, although I did not do anything. I also kept my mouth shut, I did not insult him. But again, i guess there are only crazy people in this town.

I saw my car and someone was standing behind it, I could only see the feet because the bonnet was up. „How bad is it?" I could hear someone swearing. I was just being ignored, so I walked closer, to have a look for myself. And there he was, his white shirt drenched with engine oil. I was so startled, that I did not even notice the sheriff standing beside me.

„Killian, how long will it take?" He now faced us. He looked surprised. „It's you..." Then his look fell onto my bruises. He made a step closer and his finger brushed over my bruised skin. It felt as if thousands of needles were stabbing me. But I did not show the pain.

„Why didn't you bring her to see a doctor? That looks pretty bad. I did not know you were so careless, Graham. Maybe she has inner bleedings!" „Yesterday they did not look so bad!" They started screaming at each other. I did not really listen to what they were saying. I just starred at my car, trying to figure out what has to be repaired. Maybe I could fix this on my own.

But to be honest, I was not that good at repairing cars, I tried it once. Total loss after that. The boys were still fighting with each other. „Guys, I am fine. Stop the screaming, I need you", I pointed at Killian, „to repair my car and you should probably be heading back to the station." They looked at me like they had forgotten about me. Graham was still angry, I could see that. Without another word, he turned and got into his car.

Killian and I both watched him drive away. „So how bad is it?" He now smiled at me. „Your name for information." „Are you fucking kidding me?" „Hey, your car made me all dirty." He was smirking at me again. I just ignored his ambiguous remark.

„Fine, the name's Emma Swan." „Emma, what a beautiful name. " „So, when I can I drive home?" „Not anytime soon." „What? Why? If you are good at your job, it should only take a couple of hours." „Are you the expert here? Trust me, I know exactly what I am doing, but there is nothing I can do for now. I don't have the spares, I have to order them." „How long will it take?" „A week." „Brilliant." Another wave of pain hit my head. I had to support myself against the car. „Are you okay?" I could not see him clear anymore. „Emma!" Everything went black again.

When I woke up, his face was the first thing I saw. „Don't move, I think you fainted. Here drink this." He handed me a coke. „It's flat." „You are though to please." „You say that as if it was a bad thing." He was dialing a number on his mobile phone. „What are you doing?" „I am calling 911." „What no, I am fine." „But you just fainted and you had an accident." „It was not the first time I fainted." „Are you diabetic? Drink some more." He watched me with his blue, blue eyes.

„Wanna help me up, please?" He took my hand and pulled me up. His hands laying on my hips to support me. His thumb brushed the skin between my shirt and my jeans. I was looking into his ocean blue eyes. My eyes trailed down to his lips. Everything about his face was just so perfect. He caught me starring at his lips.

„I bet you fainted because of me, I have that effect on women." „You wish." He smiled again. „You really should go see a doctor, love. The hospital is just around the corner." I let go of his hand. „I do not need a doctor."

I opened the door to my car and grabbed my bag. I pulled my phone out and looked onto the display for missed calls. I had a new voicemail. I walked outside, so that Killian would not hear something he should not. „Emma, this is Jen from the hospital, you missed your appointment today. We need to check your blood levels. Please call back."

I wanted to call her back but then I saw the major coming our way. „Miss Swan, what are you still doing here? I thought you were leaving." „I am. I had an accident." Killian walked to us. „Regina, what brings you here?" „It's Henry. He is missing. Again." „What? Why didn't you tell me?" „My son is none of your concern." „But I can help searching him. I am very good at finding people, it's my job." „Okay then."

We have split up in teams. Regina was talking to Henry's teacher from whom he apparently had the credit card to drive to Boston. Killian has whispered in my ear that he had an idea where Henry could be. He took my hand and dragged me with him.

At first we were walking silently next to each other. But then he faced me and asked: „Why did you come to Storybrooke anyway? You know I am curious since no one comes to Storybrooke." „I told you before. I gave someone a ride home." „Yeah, but the thing is, that no one leaves Storybrooke either."

„You are just exaggerating." „No, I am not." „Can we talk about something else? Or not talk at all." He did not speak for a couple of minutes but his mouth did not stay shut for long. „The other thing I was wondering was, what did you do to piss Regina? Girl, when she looked at you, I was afraid she would jump at you and strangle you." „I did nothing to piss her off." And murmured: „I just gave birth to her son." „What? So you are Henry's birthmother?" I was shocked that he had heard that. It seemed like he had also a superpower: bat-ears. He smiled at me. „There are quite a few stories about you here in Storybrooke."

Did he mean Henry's idea of me being the savior? „What stories?" „About what you look like, why you gave Henry away and all that kind of stuff. Everyone in town is very fond of your boy, so everyone was curious of Henry's birth parents." Your boy. Henry was certainly not my boy. Although it sounded good.

„Where are we heading anyway?" „Henry has a secret hiding place." „Can't be such a secret when you know of it." „I am not the person he his hiding from." I knew that he was speaking of Regina. „Does she treat him well?" „Love, I am the wrong person to ask. Regina and I… we can't stand each other. The only reason she came to me to ask for my help is because she knows that Henry trusts me."

„Sounds like you know Henry very well?" „I do. He is a good lass, your boy." „You should not be calling Henry my boy. He is Regina's son." I speeded up so that I now was walking in front of him. He wanted to say something but then I caught sight of Henry sitting at a wooden castle.

„Henry, there you are!" I stormed to him. „Emma." He looked into my face. „What happened?" „I had a car accident." „Are you okay?" „Yes, I am fine." Lies. I tell everyone lies. „Why did you run away again?" „I don't want to talk about it." „Why?" „Because you do not want to hear it." „Try me." „Regina, she is evil. You can stay and watch for yourself."

„I have to stay for one week anyway." „Really?" „But don't expect me to stay any longer unless…" „Unless?" „I have the feeling you are being mistreated." He hugged me. I was so overwhelmed by this feeling. His small hands at my back. His face pressed against my shoulder, smiling. I nearly had to smile myself. But I did not want any emotion to break through the surface. „Let's bring you back home now."

„Killian, you are here too?" Killian was smiling at him. „Aye, I cannot blame you. When Emma's around I would not notice myself either." His eyes met mine for a split second, making me shiver again. He then ruffled Henry's hair and gave Henry a piggyback ride. I went after the two of them, not knowing what I have gotten myself into.

„Thank you, Miss Swan, for finding Henry." „No problem." Regina wanted to close the door, but I held her back, my foot being in the door frame. „What is it?" „Do you love him? Henry, I mean." „Of course, I do. And I hope there is not a misunderstanding. Do you know what a closed adoption is, it's what you asked for. Henry is my son. Stay away from him or I'll destroy you." She slammed the door in my face. I was not pissed at her because she has threatened me. Again. But when she spoke of loving Henry, she had no emotion in her voice. I was beginning to mistrust her more and more.

She always talked about knowing what's best for Henry, but I began to doubt that.

I walked back to where Killian was waiting. „So is there any place I can stay a couple of days?" „My offer still holds. You can come to my place." I rolled my eyes. „I don't bite, I promise. Unless you are into that." „Killian", I warned him with my voice. „There is a bed and breakfast." „Finally, something useful coming out of your mouth." He made a step towards me, ignoring my private space, AGAIN! „Love, my mouth could be so much more useful to you in more enjoyable activities."

My eyes wandered to his lips. I bit my bottom lip. I imagined his lips on my whole body, making me shiver, making me scream. He was grinning at me and all of the lust I had been feeling was replace by anger and shame. I wanted to punch him in the face. So I just slapped him and left him there. He was screaming after me: „I always liked challenges, so be warned." Fucking, stupid bastard.


	2. I don't wanna see what I have seen

**Chapter 1:** **I don't want to see what I have seen**

I woke up from another nightmare and rose in my bed. I was sweating and panting. After I calmed down, I let myself sink into the pillows again. I looked onto my phone display to check the time. 5.12 am. I groaned. Although I always felt sleepy, I did not sleep more than a couple of hours every night. It was so frustrating.

And then all of a sudden, I felt terribly sick. I headed to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time to throw up. My head rested on the toilet seat. When the sick-feeling faded, I stood up, brushed my teeth and washed my face. The bruises have not faded after nearly a week.

I did my hair into a ponytail, put some clothes on and went for a walk. It was too early to be spending time with Henry or do anything other useful. In the bed&breakfast it was still so quiet, I went downstairs on tiptoe, afraid of waking someone up.

When I was outside, I took deep breaths. I sighed because I knew that I would not get some sleep this afternoon as I usually did in my apartment when I could not sleep well in the night. I tried it two days ago but Ruby and her Grandmother were screaming about something, they always had something to fight about.

I was heading in no particular direction. Just walking and getting my head free. I was freezing a bit since it was a very cold night or rather morning. Suddenly, I was standing in front of the hospital. My missed appointment came to my mind. But why did they have to check my blood levels when I was dying anyway? Nonetheless, I could use some more painkillers.

I checked if there was someone who could see me walking in. I was glad I woke up so early. I went inside and headed directly to the reception. A nurse was smiling at me. „Hello dear, how can I help you?" „Umm… you see, I missed an appointment last week and I need to make a blood test. Is this a problem at such an early time? You see, I just don't want the people to get talking."

„Of course not. Please wait here, I will go fetch a doctor." „And could you send the results to my doctor. I am not sticking around in Storybrooke much longer." „Sure, just write down his name and address and I will search for his fax number." „Thank you." „Sit down. It may take some time."

I sat down and distracted my mind with reading a magazine. Without paying much attention, I flipped through it, now and again stopping to admire certain clothes.

A doctor came out of a room, reading something on a clipboard. „Miss Swan?" „Yes, that's me." „Please, come with me." I went after him and he closed the door behind me. He pointed at a chair. „Please, take a seat. I am Dr. Whale. How can I help you?" „You have to take my blood and check the blood levels." „A certain reason?" While he was talking with me, he grabbed an empty syringe and injected it. I did not look because I am not very fond of blood. Funny, isn't it?

„Yes." „You can talk to me. I will not tell anybody. I can see that it's something serious, since you have many punctures that are very recent." „I would rather talk with my doctor about it." „It's your decision. Your bruises seem to be pretty bad too. Did someone hit you? Is this the reason you don't want to talk about it?" „No, nobody hurt me. I had an accident." A nurse came in, took the injection from him and walked out of the room again.

„Anything else I can do for you?" „Yes there is, I need more painkillers, maybe you could give me a recipe?" „What kind do you need?" I handed him the box in which only a few pills were left. „I'll go get you some." He now could guess what I had. He pitied me, I could see it. I hate it when people looked at me like that.

After a few minutes he came back, handed me the now full box and guided me outside. „I hope you get well soon, Miss Swan."

I stormed outside of the hospital. Without looking where I went, I bumped into someone. The box with pills flew out of my pocket and landed on the floor. I murmured an apology and wanted to grab the box as fast as possible but the someone I bumped into, took it first.

I lifted my eyes and saw the sheriff. „Graham." He starred at the box. „I knew something was up with you." Not another one who pitied me. „You are a junkie, stealing pills from the hospital." Why did he always have to assume the worst when it came to me? „I am not." „You cannot lie to me, I am the sheriff." „What did I do to that you mistrust me this much?" „I made research on you. You are an ex-prisoner."

„How did you find out? The records were sealed. And that was a long time ago. People change." „Not people like you." I cannot believe it. He thought I was still a criminal. What if he told Regina? Henry would be devastated. „Did you tell Regina about that?" „No." „Good. I don't want Henry to get to know he was born in jail." „Understandable." I wanted to leave but he stopped me, grabbing me hard by the wrist. „Where do you think you are going? You have to come to the station with me. I have to report this."

I felt the anger burning inside of me. Who did he think he was? Something better than me, judging me because I was in jail because my stupid boyfriend ran away, betraying me, handing me over to the police. I did not knew better then, I was never shown. Without thinking I pulled my shirt up. „What are you doing, put your shirt back down." Although he sounded pissed, he still starred at my exposed body, taking in the sight of my breast in the white lace-bra. His body betrayed his mind. His eyes dark with lust.

„See this, this a portacath. That's an a access disk for medical treatments. I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Do you know what this means?" „No, I am afraid not." „I have cancer. You fucking idiot." I pulled my shirt down. He has let go of my hand.

I ripped the box of painkillers out of his hand. Tears of anger burning in my eyes. He looked speechlessly at me. I almost ran away from him. What have I done? Why did I tell him? He certainly will tell everyone. Why could I not control my anger? I could have said something about the accident and the bruises and therefore the painkillers, but no, no, Emma Swan had to make a show. I did not want anyone to know, especially not Henry. Tears were running down my cheeks.

I could hear footsteps behind me. „Emma, wait!" I did not stop, but he caught up to me fast. „I don't want to talk with you." He stood before me and stopped me. „Look, I am sorry." He saw the tears on my cheek. „I am really sorry. I pushed you into revealing your illness to me. I am such a jerk." „Yeah, you are." He smiled at me. „Please, don't tell anyone." „I won't." Now I smiled back at him. „Want something to eat? It's on me, of course." „Sounds good", I replied.

—

It was good talking to Graham, although he treated me differently now, he did not act like I was ill. He joked with me, made me laugh. It felt good. I forgot for some time about the things I worry all the time.

„Want something more to drink?" „A cocoa with cinnamon, please." „Cinnamon? Interesting. I'll be right back." He gave me another grin before heading to grab the drink. The door to the diner went open and Killian stepped in. Gods, I really did not want to talk with him right now. I hope he did not see me. But of course he did. He waved at me and walked right to my desk.

„May I?" He just sat down. „I did not say yes." „But you did not say no either, love." He grinned at me, his eyes on my body. „Why are you wasting your time, Killian? I already made my point clear. I am not interested." „I am not yet convinced that I waste my time. We will see." I grabbed my bag and said: „I have to go now." Before he could reply anything I walked over to Graham.

„Hey, thanks for breakfast but I will be heading to my room now." „What about your cocoa?" „Drink it yourself. I promise it tastes much better with cinnamon." Graham's gaze fell to our desk where Killian was sitting, watching us intensely. Graham suddenly looked protectively in my direction. He leaned over to me and kissed my check. He then whispered in my ear: „I enjoyed today." „Me too."

I walked out of the diner, looking at Killian once more. He did not look at me. I guess I have hurt his ego. Man, he deserved that. He should not be so cocky all the time. I am sure that his pickup lines worked on many women but I was different. I admit that I got turned on by him but that's all. I had too much self-respect and dignity to sleep with a womanizer like him.

I did not want to be a one night stand once more again. I did not want to waste my time with a guy who only saw me as a bed bunny, a toy that he could use to pleasure him.

All that such men did was expecting you to leave in the morning. They did not even want you to stay for breakfast or ask you for your number. For a time that was okay with me too. But as I have said. People change.

—-

I spent the rest of the day with Henry. I enjoyed our meetings. He was so different than I thought. He was so smart, funny and above all he was always so optimistic. I did not even understand why he had no friends in school.

We were sitting on his castle. „And how is it at home?" He did not look at me. „She makes me go to Dr. Hopper." „Why? Are you ill?" I was shocked. Maybe I had passed my illness on to him. „No, she thinks I am crazy." I felt relieved. „Is it because of the fairytale-thing?" He nodded. „Then maybe you should not talk about it with her and pretend you do not believe it."

„Are you believing me?" „Henry, I am convinced that you think its true. And I don't know what's out there. Maybe it's true. I also have to admit it would be cool to live in a world with Peter Pan and Wendy. I always liked the story of Neverland. So tell me, are superheros real too? Like Spiderman or Batman?" „I don't know but that would be really cool." We both chuckled.

Suddenly, he got silent and looked sad. „When are you leaving?" It broke my heart seeing him like that. „I am going to miss you, Emma." I almost had to cry. He has gotten so attached to me, that he would miss me. And be honest Emma, you would miss him too. I ruffled his hair. „Maybe I am staying for another while, just to make sure you are okay and that the evil queen is not hurting you." His face lit up. „Really?" „Yes." He hugged me. I have gotten used to his hugs, hell, I sometimes needed them. Like now. „I have to go now. My mother has cooked and she will be angry if I won't show up. See you tomorrow, Emma." I did not want to let go of him but I reluctantly did. „See you tomorrow, kid."

—

I was sitting at the beach and starring at the sea. It had something calming to watch the waves. It was getting dark. And then suddenly, the list came to my mind. Unbelievable, but I could tick of some points of it. Like meeting my son. Opening up to people (Graham). Finding a home (I am staying). Maybe it was time to make another wish come true.

I was undressing. Before I had made sure, that no one was there to see me. I was only in my underwear and walked into the water. It was freezing. But I wanted to swim now so badly. I could not back off. I went deeper down, until my whole body was underwater. My heart was racing. It was so cold but it felt so good. I swam to a moored buoy. I could no longer feel the ground beneath my feet.

I dived under, holding myself onto the chain of the buoy, so that I would not emerge. I counted the seconds I stayed underwater. I could feel the need for air burning in my chest. But I still did not want to surface yet.

I let go of the chain and let myself sink further down. The only thing I heard was the pumping of my own heart. Other than that, it was completely silent down here.

A voice deep inside of me whispered to stop fighting. To let the water take me away. Facing death earlier, deciding the point of my death myself and to let go of all the pain, I went through, of all the pain I would have to face in the future.

I exhaled, seeing the bubbles emerging only blurry before my eyes. But then I remembered Henry, and that he probably needed me. No, don't twist the facts, Emma. You need him to keep yourself from being alone. You are using him. And when you die and he has grown fond of you, you will leave him shattered. It was better to go now. To give him his best chance. So that he won't become like you. Hopeless. Broken. Afraid.

Sadness overcame me. I did not want to go back up there, where everything was so complicated. The darkness was lulling me, singing a song that could only be heard by me.

But then I swam back to the surface again, taking deep breaths. I could not let go. I did not want to die. Henry and I … we had a chance. A chance to become happy together. Even if we don't have that much time. It will be enough. It has to be enough for his sake.

I turned around and was on my way back since I was already shivering from the bitter cold. And then I saw him, standing at the beach. He had my clothes in his hands. „You are crazy, Swan. It's too cold to go swimming." I was too shocked to see him here, when minutes ago I nearly let myself drown. But I quickly recovered. „To my mind, the water is wonderful, but I guess you are too much of a pansy, Jones."

Even at this distance I could see him smile. „Swan, if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask." My clothes fell to the floor. He undressed himself. What had I done? I simply should have ignored him. Now here I was, starring at his body. I could not keep my eyes off of him. He wore only his boxer-shorts and dived into the water.

He was gasping and swearing. He was swimming closer to me, smirking. Although it was dark, I saw that his lips turned blue because of the cold. „I cannot believe you made me do this." „I did not force you into anything." „Please, you were asking for it. You challenged my ego", he said in a low, sexy voice.

He was so close to me, it almost hurt. I did not know why he made feel this way all the time. He was embracing me, touching my bare skin. It took all my self-restraint to keep myself from kissing him, touching him. „Let go of me. I am cold. I will be swimming back now." „Love, I can make you warm again." I kicked him hard enough to make him pull his arms away. Even though I hated it, but I admitted, that his hands around me had felt good. Safe. And now, it was like something was missing.

I swam the crawl to get back fast. I reached the point where I could stand again and stood up. He was close behind me. As soon as I stood up, I caught him starring at my breasts, his eyes suddenly dark with lust. The bra had turned see-through. I was cursing. I wrapped my arms around my breasts, trying to cover the portacath. I hoped he had not noticed. „Don't cover up on my account, love." „Turn around." „I have already seen it, love." He was making me so furious. I stepped out of the water, pissed and shivering. I put on my clothes, he was standing beside me, doing the same.

I did not talk to him, nor look at him. „You have a nice body, love." „I am not in the mood for your games." „If I recall right, you started this time." „I am going home now." „Let me bring you." „I can take care of myself." „You are shivering. Here take it." He was handing me his shirt, which he had not put on yet. My eyes travelled over his body. „I don't need it." „I am insisting you take it." I just walked away from him.

„Stubborn woman", I heard him growl. Although I had put my clothes on, I was still quivering. Maybe it was not the best idea I had.

„You know, I am not deaf, I can hear you following me." „We are just heading in the same direction." „Sure." He was on my heels the whole way back to Granny's bed&breakfast. I turned around. „Pleased now?" „I just wanted to make sure you get home well." I wanted to walk inside but I saw my suitcase on the stairs. I looked confused and opened it. All of my things were in there.

I stormed inside. „What does this mean? Are you kicking me out? I wanted to stay longer." „Miss Swan, we are sorry, but I need to ask you to leave. I'm afraid we have a ‚no felons' rule and you got arrested because of your accident. It… It turns out it's a city ordinance." I cannot believe she did that. Why was she so eager to keep me away from Henry? „I need to have your room key back." I nearly threw the key at her and rushed out before she could see my tears.

I grabbed my suitcase and wanted to walk over to my car, recalling that it's still at the repair shop. So I just sat at the staircase and shivered and cried. This was a horrible day. Suddenly, I felt something being wrapped around me. It was Killian who covered me with his shirt. „Tough day, huh?" „You have no idea." „Looks like you have no place to stay tonight." He was right. I had no idea where I could stay. I would sleep in my car but that was no option either.

„You know, you can come to my place, and I promise you, I won't do anything you don't want to. I have also a bed sofa." „I don't think that's a good idea." „I don't think you have that many options, Swan." He was right, I had not. „I have a bathtub too, so you can warm yourself up." „But only for one night."

—

I was standing awkwardly in his apartment. I waited for him to return with some towels. I did not want to look around since I did not want him to believe I was interested in anything that was connected to him. My hair was dripping. I felt bad for making everything wet.

He came back. „Here you go. The bathroom is the door over there." I took the towels and walked over to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I drew a bath. Only hot water. I slipped out of my clothes and let myself sink into the hot water slowly. My skin was burning at the beginning, but then my whole body relaxed. It was such a relief after the shivering. My body had only stopped shaking then. Although I did not want to leave, I got out of the bathtub. I was wrapped in the towel. I had forgotten to bring some dry clothes with me.

I was cursing. I opened the door and hoped that he was not around, so that I just could pick up my clothes and hurry back to the bathroom. But of course he was there. He had a steaming mug in his hands. He was cold too. I should not have been so selfish and let him take a bath first. It was his home after all. Maybe I would not have forgotten to grab some clothes then.

He looked at me with a grin on his face. He put the mug down and walked over to me. Again, I stood pressed against a wall, trying to crawl back further away from him. „You are constantly saying that you are not interested, love, but your actions speak another language." He was smirking. I wanted to punch his grin out of his face.

I was breathing heavily. He noticed too. My body ached for him whenever he was this clothes to me. I nearly lost hold of the towel. He put a strand of hair behind my ear, touching my skin briefly. „You are hot." I laughed. „What? After all your pickup lines you believe this is working?" „No, Swan, you are burning. I think you have a fever."

He handed me some clothes of his since I did not have that many in Storybrooke. I never planned to stay that long. „Way too big for you, but better than your soaking wet clothes." „Thanks." He went out of the room. I quickly got dressed. And walked outside to the main room again. „So where am I sleeping?" „Drink this. It's an anti-febrile." While I was drinking, he looked at me closely. „You look good in my clothes." I rolled my eyes and sat on the sofa. „I am really tired." „Come on, I'll show you where you sleep."

I followed him into what looked like his bedroom. „No, I won't take your bed away from you." „I don't mind sleeping on the couch." „Me neither." He pushed me onto the bed and forced me back when I wanted to stand up. His hands still on my shoulder, he said: „Gives me so many fantasies, Swan." I was blushing because my mind was filled with fantasies too. His strong hands exploring my body, squeezing me, tickling me. Making me want more. But no, Emma, get a hold of yourself!

„Have a good night." He leaned forward, his lips nearly touching mine, our noses only inches away. He then gave me a kiss onto my cheek. „I am so much better than Graham, love. Don't make me jealous again." He stood up and left the room, leaving me in darkness.

He was jealous of Graham. Did this mean he liked me? Or was he just pissed Graham got in his way to have another bed bunny? I just could not understand him. He confused me every time I saw him.

The sheets, pillow and the blanket were smelling of him. I felt comforted the instance I wrapped myself in the blankets. I was yawning. I was just so tired. I feel asleep minutes later.

—

When I woke up, the sun was shining. I usually did not sleep that long. I looked onto the clock next to his bed. 7.47 am. I stood up and stretched myself. Then I got out of the room. I walked into the living room/kitchen on tiptoe since I heard him snoring.

I found my clothes on a drying rack. I grabbed them and went into the bathroom to get dressed. I decided to look around a bit since I did not have to worry about him catching me as long as I heard his snores.

He had a small apartment which had a lovely view of the water outside. There were many paintings of boats on his walls, one showing mermaids. There were also a few pictures, many of them with him and Graham. So I guessed the two were friends.

He had also a huge bookshelf with more books than I have ever seen in my life. I let my hand glide over the books. I pulled one out and dropped it when I heard him clearing his throat behind me. I turned around, my cheeks burning. „How long have you been standing there?" „Long enough." „Anyway, I am going now. Thanks for letting me sleep here." I wanted to rush past him but of course he would not let me go. He grabbed my wrist and touched my forehead. „How are you feeling today? The fever seemed to have faded." „I am fine."

„Wanna have something to eat?" „I am not hungry. And I am meeting someone." He tensed. He was thinking of Graham. Well, let him believe that, Emma. „You won't change your mind?" He pleaded with me. Although I did not want it, his sad eyes made me say: „No, Henry's school is starting in an hour. I want to walk him there." Now he seemed to be relieved.

„Well, I won't hold you back any longer then." He let go of my wrists and I walked outside. Leaning against the door and sighing.

—

That bitch. I hated her so much. I am glad I decided to stay. She has threatened me several times until now, even causing Henry pain, because I admitted in front of her that he is crazy without knowing he was listening. I did not mean to say it but I just wanted to hurt her, showing her that Henry's upbringing was making him go crazy.

I am glad I could sort things out with him. I believe we were closer now than ever, we were bonding, all thanks to Regina since she drove him away from her with her actions. Also we had operation cobra started, which was a crazy name since cobras did not have anything to do with fairytales but hey, I liked spending time with Henry. He still believed I was the savior and could bring the happy endings back into this town. But I did not mind him thinking this anymore. Maybe it was time to have a happy ending. Our happy ending. As long as we could be together, I was fine. I was smiling to myself.


	3. A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

**Thank you for reading my story :) This chapter was so much fun to write, I hope you like it :)**

**Chapter 2: A little party never killed nobody **

I was sitting in the diner, a newspaper in front of me, circling a few advertisements for flats, small apartments, rooms. I knew that it was useless, since the mayor did not want me in town and probably no one was accepting me. Why was everyone so afraid of her?

Someone sat across from me, I noticed her as Henry's teacher. „Emma, right?" „Yes, and you are?" „Sorry, where are my manners. I am Mary Margaret." She was smiling at me. „What brings you to my table?" „Oh, I just wanted to thank you." „Why?" „It's good to see Henry smiling again." „I did not do anything." „You stayed. So, does the Mayor know you're still here?"

„Oh, she knows. What is her deal? She's not a great people person. How did she get elected?" „She's been mayor for as long as I can remember. No one's ever been brave enough to run against her. She inspires quite a bit of, well, fear. I'm afraid I only made that worse by giving Henry that book. Now he thinks she's the Evil Queen." So she gave him the storybook and also knows of his believes. „Who does he think you are?" „Oh, it's silly."

„I just got five minutes of silly. Lay it on me." „Snow White." She chuckled and I had to. It was absurd that Henry thought I was the daughter of Mary Margret. She was the same age as me, probably younger. Suddenly, Ruby placed two mugs in front of us. „I did not order anything." MM smiled at me. „I did." „Thanks." I took a gulp. It was cocoa with cinnamon. „Cinnamon?" „Oh, I should have asked. It's a little quirk of mine. Do you mind?" „Not at all."

„You look like you have to talk. Something is on your mind. You can tell me." „I just have the feeling that if I stay, Henry will get hurt. He will suffer because of me." Not just because sooner or later he will get to know that I am dying, but also because of his mother. She wanted to destroy me and it did not matter to her if she brought Henry down with me.

„Well, I think it's for the best if you stay." „Why is that?" „I trust you. It's odd. I have the feeling that we have met before. And I see that you care about Henry. If you go, who will protect him?"

„But I have just one major problem. Literally. The mayor does not want me to stay, so everyone will turn me down." „Well, I do have a spare room." „Why would you offer me that spare room?" „As I said before. I trust you. And it would be fun to have a roommate. I have lived alone since … I got into this town."

She was alone. Just like me. Maybe this could work out. „Won't I disturb you?" „Of course not or else I would not have offered. You would do me a favor, really." „You convinced me. I am going to move in." „Don't you want to see the room first?" „No, as long as it has enough space for a bed, it's okay for me." She was smiling at me again.

—

Two days after that, I have settled in at MM's place. Well, technically, it was our place now. My room was small but I liked it a lot. My things from Boston have finally arrived, although I did not own much. Just a few clothes, some books and that was it. And of course my baby blanket in which I was found. I never had the strength to let go of it and I still can't.

I packed it away somewhere in the very back of my closet. Just in time because then Mary Margaret was standing in my room. She looked around. „When will the rest of your things come?" „That was all." „Oh." „I have moved a lot over the years, I could not carry that much with me." „I see. Wanna grab something to eat? I am starving." „Sure."

We walked to the diner. MM and Ruby were close friends, so she was sitting at our desk too. I did not really listen to what they were talking about, but I kinda liked Ruby. She reminded me of myself when I was younger. When I was with Neal. When everything seemed to work out fine. That was the time, when I believed that I had to go through all the foster parents, just to meet Neal, because then I thought, that no one deserved to be that happy to have a family and meet the love of your life. I was just foolish then. But also happy.

We spent some time together in the diner until MM had to leave for school. I waved goodbye to Ruby and walked outside as Graham's sheriff car pulled up next to me. The siren was on. He was grinning at me. „What's with the siren?" „It's hard to get your attention." „Well you have it. Are you blaming me for robbery or driving under alcohol influence again?" I now smiled back.

„Although I would like to put you behind bars again, just to have you around more often, I just wanted to thank you." Was he flirting with me? I never could decipher such phrases. I needed some other signs than words to get something like that. Maybe a shield above his head, with the words: „HE WANTS YOU!", would help.

„Thank me for what?" „Helping to find Henry the other day." „I told you, finding people is what I do." „It's an interesting job. How did you fall into it?" „Looking for people is just what I have done since I can remember." „What made you start? Your parents?" I know looked surprised and shocked in his direction. „Henry told me. Did you ever find them?" I was shaking my head. „I am sorry." „Don't be. But let's talk about something else. What do I get for finding Henry? A commendation? Key to the city?"

We both were laughing, imagine Regina handing me the key with a sour expression in her face. „No, I was thinking about offering you a job." What? Why was everyone so nice to me? I was not used to this. „I could use a deputy." „Please, you only want someone to do the dirty work for you." He was chuckling again. „Think about it, will you? You decided to stay for a while, didn't you? You will have to earn some money."

„So you really were not joking?" „Of course not." „But I don't see a lot of sheriffing going on around here." „What? We have a lot of criminals in Storybrooke, starting with the charming lady next to me." „I am not a criminal. There really was a wolf on the street." „Whatever you say. Other than you, there are also the town's drunk and of course, the crimes caused because of Mr. Gold." „Mr. Gold?" „Yeah, he owns this place." „What do you mean?" „The town. He is the landlord and it happens more often than what is good for the people, that they go crazy because they cannot pay him."

„I don't know. Do you really think it's a good idea?" „The best I have ever had." „Okay, but only to fulfill a wish of a friend." „I hope you are talking about me." „I guess you will never know." „See you tomorrow then. On time please!" He sat into his car again, waved at me and drove away.

I walked back into the diner because I had nothing else to do. Henry was in school. I was the only customer in there. Ruby was sitting next to me, talking to me. It was nice of her. I really began to like spending time in Storybrooke because everyone was so nice here. It almost felt like home.

After a while, Mary Margaret sat down with us to have something to eat. I was telling her and Ruby about my new job. „Emma, this is wonderful." Suddenly, a man walked in, he had a cane. He walked to Granny. „Who is this?" „That's Mr. Gold." As if he had sensed that we were talking about him, he turned around seeing us, and smiling. At least, I thought it was a smile.

Granny passed him a roll of bills. „It's all here." „Yes, yes, of course it is, dear. Thank you." Ruby whispered to us: „He is so creepy." He was walking straight to our desk. „Shit, do you think he heard me?" „Of course not", I hissed. „Hello Miss Blanchard, Miss Lucas…" He was nodding at her, she went red as a tomato. „And… I don't think we have met before have we?" „Emma Swan." „Emma? What a lovely name. Enjoy your food." He then turned around and walked outside.

I relaxed, I had not even noticed that I was so tensed. „The guy freaks me out every time", Ruby said. „I am glad he is gone." MM only nodded at this. Ruby changed the subject quickly.

„So, Emma's a sheriff now?" „I am only Graham's deputy." „I think he sort of likes you. I have never seen Graham around a woman, I was starting to believe he his gay." „We are just friends." „Sure. But we have to celebrate this!" MM and I bandied looks. I could see that she was also not that fond of partying or going out. Ruby seemed to notice our faces too.

„Come on, guys, we have to celebrate this! Emma is staying in Storybrooke AND she has a new job AND she is your new roommate." MM answered exhausted: „Ruby, I had a long day at school and tomorrow I have this field trip with the children, I don't want to be tired then. Another time okay?" She smiled at Ruby apologetically. „Fine. But Emma you cannot let me down." Crab, I don't have any excuses other than I am in no mood to go. „I don't know… I am not into this kind of stuff." „Please, I know of a party tonight, we have to go!"

She looked at me with her large puppy eyes. „Okay." „Yeah." She was hopping around, giggling and screaming. „I pick you up at nine then. And Emma?" „Yeah?" „Wear something pretty." I rolled my eyes. „See you tonight. I have to go back to work or Granny will kill me."

—

I was standing in front of my closet, I had absolutely nothing to wear. I grabbed everything I owned and threw it onto the bed. I possessed one dress but I hated it that's why I flung it on the floor. The pile of clothes on the floor grew bigger and bigger. I finally found this black blouse in which my boobs were good displayed but not too much. It had semi-transparent sleeves. I wore tight black jeans and red heels.

I put on some make-up to cover the now yellow and green bruises in my face. When I was ready I walked outside of my room. „Woah, Emma. You look beautiful." „Thanks, MM." „Have a good night." „Next time you have to come too. I will be the only one acting adult-like." „It won't be that bad." „Hopefully." The doorbell was ringing.

„Good night, MM." She was smiling at me. I grabbed my red leather jacket and left. „Hey, Emma." Ruby was examining me from my feet to my face. „Emma, I did not know you had such curves. You look amazing." She seemed to be a bit pissed and jealous. That somehow made me feel good. A little bit.

„Who's party is it?" „I am not sure." „You did not even get invited?" „That's not how it works." „But all your friends will be there?" „I hope so." I did not really want to go after she said this. It's going to be a looooong, boring night.

I could hear the party music two blocks away. Ruby took my hand and dragged me forward faster. We entered the house. There were people everywhere, some drunken guys were lying on the floor already, others were making out. „Give me your jacket, I will stow them away safely. Wait here." She was almost screaming because the music was so loud, my ears were already ringing. I nodded and grabbed the next best drink I could get. I would not survive this sober.

When I had my second drink, I began to wander around since I was tired of waiting for Ruby. There was no one here I knew, just as I thought. Most of them looked younger than 21 but hey, I was not her as a deputy and I officially was not a deputy yet. I was here to have fun.

And then I saw him. He was talking with some girl. He was head-banging to the music. He was whispering something in the ear of the brunette, making her laugh. He pulled her onto the „dance floor", when you could even describe it as that. His hands were roaming over her body. She was shaking her hips seductively. They were so close, I doubted that you could put a piece of paper between them. He was spinning her around, his eyes never leaving hers.

My blood was boiling now. I could guess that my face was flushed because of the anger. I was glad it was so dark in here. I screwed the empty plastic cup up and threw it on the floor. What did you expect Emma? He was a guy! Hell, he was the greatest womanizer you have ever met.

I could not stop watching them. I wanted to throw up. Gods, I hated him so much. Hated how he made me feel. This should not anger me at all. But it did. Suddenly, someone was nudging me, I turned around to look in Ruby's face. „Emma, there you are, I was searching for you. Come on, we need another player for our game." „With pleasure." I shot another angry glare at the couple on the dance-floor and then I followed Ruby in another room. She closed the door behind us.

I sat down on a chair, someone handed me another drink. I sipped and my mouth burnt because it was so strong. Ruby sat down on the lap of some guy who I had never seen before. „So what are we playing?" „Truth or dare, of course." „I did not know there had to be a certain amount of people playing this game." I spit back sarcastically. Just as I thought, this was just a kindergarden party. „But it is more fun if I am not the only girl." I looked around and she was right, except of us two there were only boys.

„What are the rules?", a guy asked. Ruby's red lips curled into a smile. „If you don't answer or don't do what is asked of you, you have to strip out of one piece of your clothes and do a shot." This was so childish. I stood up. „Emma, don't go, it's only for fun. Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud." Reluctantly, I sat back, taking a huge sip of my drink. „Well, looks like someone has to hand me another drink."

Ruby was smiling at me. „Let's start then." Some guys were first, most of them taking truth. What pansies. I did not really listen to what they were questioned. They were all so boring. I emptied one drink after the other, having given up to count them.

Then it was my turn, I was intoxicated a lot by the time. Ruby was whispering something in the ears of the guy she was sitting on.

„Emma, tru…" „Dare", came out of my mouth without hesitation. He was grinning widely. „I hoped you would pick dare. I dare you to dance on the kitchen table where everyone can see you and while dancing, hit on some guy." „No, I won't do that." „Well, then take of your blouse." There was no way in hell I would take of my shirt since everyone could see the insertion point of the portacath. I stood up and walked out of the room, everyone following me.

Everyone was cheering, most of them had not thought I would do it. Ruby was talking to the Dj, maybe asking for a special song. Everyone was looking, since the whole group was following me, dirty grins on their faces. „Help me up." Someone grabbed me by the hips and lifted me onto the table.

I waited for a sign to start. Should I just begin? But then Ruby nodded at me and I heard what I thought was one of Britney Spear's songs. I was bad at remembering music titles but I was sure I heard it before. Maybe in one of the many bars I had spent my time. Not for fun but because I was searching for people. Most of the time guys.

I tried to get carried away by the music. I was shaking my hips in time to the music. My curls were swinging around me. I let my hands wander over my body. Everyone was yelling my name. I turned around, so everyone could see my ass. I spun around again and saw his blue eyes watching me.

At first, I did not want to hit on some guy, I believed that they all would forget about that when I danced. But now that he was here, I thought, that what he could do, I could do better.

I dropped to my knees. I was gripping some guy by his collar and dragging him towards me. The guys were roaring even more. The guy was so close to my face, I could smell the alcohol on him. When he tried to kiss me, I pushed him back on a chair and jumped off of the table. I was shaking my hips lasciviously in front of him, turning around and bending down and slowly raising again. Then I sat on his lap, grinding my hips against his.

I placed his hands on my hips and let him interact a bit. I did not look the guy in the eyes, instead my eyes were locked with Killian's. It was as if only the two of us existed. I did not see another except the guy in whose lap I was sitting.

_This time I'm ready, no need to wait_

_My body is calling yours to me_

_Surrender to me your body and soul_

He was watching me with a hunger in his eyes. I could feel the boy's hand wandering to my breasts. Killian looked as if he wanted to walk over to us, punch the guy in the face and take over his place. If I had not been drunk, I would have been satisfied with that angered gaze and I would have stopped the guy. But not today. I placed my hand over his and brought it up to my breast.

He was caressing my right breast and kissing my neck. I closed my eyes if I was enjoying this. I was good at playing a part.

But then I could feel his other hand wandering under my shirt. That was enough for me. I pushed myself off of him.

I stood up and yelled: „I guess it's my turn now." I grabbed a bottle of tequila. While opening it with my mouth, I pushed the most ugliest guy I could find on the desk and pulled his shirt up, pouring the liquid into the guy's navel.

„Ruby, I dare you to drink from this guy's navel and lick him clean." Ruby was laughing. „Emma, you cannot be serious." „Well you heard my challenge." „I rather take of my shirt." And she did. Everyone was turning to her now, looking at her black lace bra. „Shot time", she was yelling.

She handed me a shot and we emptied it in one gulp. „I had no idea you were such fun, Emma." „I would have never believed you would be such a pussy." „Hey, you did not even give me a choice between truth or dare." „Where is the fun in truth?" I grinned at her.

Then I saw Killian approaching us. „Ruby, I must go to the toilet. Come with me?" Without waiting for her answer, I dragged her through the crowd. My ears were ringing because of the music. My head was spinning a bit. I have not drunken that much in a long time.

After I checked a few doors, I finally found the bathroom. I closed the door behind us and let out a sigh of relief. „I thought you had to use the toilet?" „No, I just wanted to…refresh myself." „Can you please step behind the shower curtain?" „Why?" „Well, I have to pee and I won't do it in front of your eyes." I stepped into the bathtub and drew the curtain.

Hearing her pee, was strange. It felt too intimidate. I did not think we were that far in our friendship. Or would ever be. Suddenly, I felt a bit dizzy, I stumbled and fell down, ripping the curtain off. Ruby was starring at me, sitting on the toilet. Then we both had to laugh. I looked away, giving her her private time. After she finished, she helped me up.

She lit what looked like a joint. She handed it to me. „No thank you." „Come on, I cannot smoke it alone. And you only live once." She hit a sore spot. And it also stood on the other list I have made. Okay, it was only a theoretical list, but hey, I never have done drugs before. What was the point of dying when you could not do what killed everyone else? What could possibly happen?

I took it from her and took a drag. I never have tasted something quite like it. I tried another drag and then handed it back to Ruby. „Finally someone in Storybrooke who is not boring. I like you, Em."

„I need some fresh air." „I will finish this first." Omg, what have I done? I have taken drugs. Maybe if my mind had not been so clouded by the alcohol I would never have gotten persuaded by her. Well, she did not have to do much persuading.

I walked through the crowd again. I could see Graham. I was surprised he was here. I never would have thought he was the guy for such parties. I walked over to him. I wrapped my arms around him from behind. My body close to his.

He spun around, looking angry. His face softened when he saw me. „Emma. You here?" I giggled. Was that the drugs? „Dance with mee, pleeeease?" Gosh, I sounded so silly even in my own ears. „Sure."

Graham made me laugh the whole time because he was doing silly dance moves. „You look and behave different today." „That's just because…" „Because?" „I don't think I can tell you sheriff." „Come on, Emma, I am your friend." „I have just taken drugs", I whispered in a low voice.

„What? How much did you take?" „Not much… I don't know… I am not that clued up about that stuff." „Yeah, me neither. Are you feeling … high yet?" „I am not sure. How long does it usually take to kick in?" The door to the bathroom swung open and Ruby stepped out. It seemed like she was fishing for something in the air. „I would say about that long", he said to me. I had to giggle again.

„Look, I'll drive you somewhere, you know, to keep you out of trouble." I was nodding at him.

„Wait outside, I'll go catch Killian." Before I could reply anything, he was gone. Why did he have to get Killian of all people? Couldn't he handle it alone? Then my gaze fell to Ruby again. Okay, if I turned like her, than maybe it would be hard for him to handle us both. I took Ruby by the hand and went outside.

Ruby was spinning around. „Isn't it a wonderful night." I looked up and saw the stars shining above our head. „Yeah it is." My world was spinning again. All colors seemed to be more intense, the music and other noises even louder. I could see fireworks before my eyes.

Then Graham walked outside, Killian, along with him. They had our jackets with them. How did they find them? I did not even knew where Ruby put them. Mysterious.

I did not look at Killian. I was trying to look concentrated while putting my jacket on and I did not really have to play a part, it was difficult. I just could not find the right whole for my arm. Graham helped me. „Come on, let's go." His sheriff-car parked in front of the house. He got into the driver's seat and I hurried to get next to him, so that I did not have to sit in the back with Killian.

Ruby was singing a song in the back, the others of us did not talk. We came to a halt what looked like the middle of the forest. „So, there is no one around here. You can go nuts now." Ruby giggled. „I don't want to go crazy." She opened the door and walked outside. She suddenly climbed up the car.

The boys got outside and I jumped out too. „I will just be up here." „What are you doing, get down here Ruby!", Graham said annoyed. Both Killian and Graham had their arms outstretched in case she was falling. I walked away from them, no one noticing. I could hear them talk tough.

„Get down here, now!" „Are you going to make me, Killian?" „No, I am just going to tell you." „Fine. Give me your hand." And then I was out of reach.

Killian:

Graham and I had helped Ruby down. She was totally high. She stumbled and made strange noises. It was kinda funny watching her. I looked around: „Where is the Swan girl?" „I do not know she was there a second ago. We gotta go after her." „We did not see which way she went." „We need to find her. NOW!", Graham said, panic in his voice. „She will come back eventually. I mean, there is no danger out there." „Yes, there is." What did he mean? Yes, she was drugged but given Ruby's circumstances, Emma could not have gotten that much. I gave Graham a confused look. „Graham?" „I am not supposed to tell you." „Tell me what?" He paused a moment, but then said quietly, almost a whisper: „She has cancer."

Everything made click than. She fainted. The bad looking bruises. Her pale skin. The fever. My world shattered into millions of pieces. I needed to find her. Every other thought was washed out of my brain. Even the pictures of her dance were forgotten, the dreams about her dancing only for me that way and having sex with her were pushed back. And I was constantly thinking about sex. Especially having sex with her. So this meant something. My heart started racing.

I ran away, leaving Graham and Ruby behind. I screamed her name on top of my lungs. „EMMA!" Where did that stupid woman go? Why did she put her life in danger? How should I find her? It was so dark, I had problems with seeing my own hand before my eyes. I tried to scream louder.

And then I saw her, lying on the ground. My heart skipped a beat. Was she unconscious? I rushed to her side. I touched her cheek, slapping it softly, hoping, no praying, that she would wake up.

Emma:

I opened my eyes and saw Killian starring at me, concern in his eyes. „Are you alright?", he asked, almost desperate. And then I knew that he knew about my illness. He gave me the same look like all the others. I could nearly hear him saying: „You poor thing." I could relinquish the pity everyone gave me. Pitying me does not change anything, it only made me feel worse.

„Love?" I closed my eyes and whispered: „I am not ill today, okay?" I patted on the floor next to me. After a while he lay down. I could see that he had a million questions but I probably would not answer one, not today nor any other day. „Isn't it beautiful here?" I asked him without expecting an answer. Or maybe expecting another pickup line. But he stayed silent. So I took his hand in mine and just looked in the sky. He squeezed my hand gently.

The sun was rising slowly. He was about to say something but I said: „Shhh. The sunrise is a rare thing. You can see it only once a day. Let me enjoy it." The sun painted everything orange. I have never seen a sunrise quite like it.

After a while, we both got up. He lifted me up, carrying me bridal style. „I have two healthy legs, I can walk on my own." „Aye, but you are drugged and drunk. And you have a talent for being clumsy and getting yourself into danger." „I am not clumsy." Nonetheless, I rested my head on his shoulder and let him carry me. His breathing calmed me, his heartbeat soothed me. I could not keep my eyes open anymore. I did not even try to fight it and I fell asleep, feeling relaxed and safe in his arms.


	4. There is a storm raging inside

**So another chapter. It basically follows canon, yet I kind of think it sucks although it is important for later chapters. Tell me what you think about it :) Thank you for reading and following and favoriting and reviewing my story :)**

**Chapter 3: There is a storm raging inside, I try to calm it down **

When I woke up, my head was in pain. I also felt thirsty, like I was going to die of thirst any minute now. I wanted to stand up but I became giddy. I looked down on myself. I still wore the same clothes as yesterday. I heard a soft knock on the door. „Yeah?" The door to my room was opened. „Good, you are finally awake." MM was carrying a tablet with her on which a glass of water and some breakfast was placed.

She put it in front of me. „How are you feeling? When Killian brought you, you were totally passed out. I was worried about you." She was worried about me? „I am sorry. I guess the party yesterday went out of control." I took the glass of water and emptied it at once. „How late is it?" „Past midday." „What? I had my first day at work today! Graham will be pissed." „He said you should take the day off." You make a good impression, Emma. I was so angry at myself.

„What happened anyway?" „I have a bit of a loss of my memory." I remembered every second of the last night but I did not want to share it with MM. It was too embarrassing considering that I had been complaining about being the only adult at the party. „Maybe Ruby could help." „I doubt that." „Here, have something to eat." „It looks so delicious, MM, but I fear if I eat I will throw up."

„Try at least some. It's my special hangover-breakfast." Only because it was MM, I took a few bites. „How was your vacation to the hospital with the kids?" Her face was pale. „What is it?" „Henry, he believes he has found your father." It took a few moments for me to realize she was talking about Prince Charming.

„There is this man in the hospital, he has no identity and Henry swears that he has the same scar on his face just as Prince Charming in the book. He asked me if I knew him since…" „Since he believes you are Snow White." „Yeah. But I told him, that I have never seen him before. I only bring him flowers because he is in coma. I pity him. There is no one around. He seems to have appeared out of nowhere." I will never tell MM about my illness. Never! She would be the worst person, she would be totally cancer obsessive. She would be everything I did not need. I needed a friend, not someone who reminded me of my illness constantly.

„So what's the big deal?" „He asked me to read for John Doe to make him remember. I am not sure if I should do that. Sounds like a stupid idea since the doctor's see no chance that he is waking up again or that he even hears what we are saying." „I have an idea, MM. Henry has a very active imagination, which is the point. I can't talk him out of his beliefs, so we need to show him. Play along, do what he says and maybe, just maybe …" „He'll see that fairy tales are just that. That there's no such thing as love at first sight or first kiss. He'll see reality."

No, she was wrong. There was love at first sight but other than in fairytales you someday grow out of your lovey-dovey phase and reality hits you. Hard. „Something like that." „Well, sadly this plan is rather genius. We get him to the truth without hurting him." „You don't have to do this." „Oh, I will. I want to help Henry. I am getting ready now for my date, I guess, I have to do all the talking." I was laughing hard, regretting it, because my head was aching as hell.

After I had a coffee, I walked Henry home from school. I went to the diner and ordered a cocoa. Ruby was no where to be seen, I guess she had worse symptoms than me.

Granny was handing me the cocoa. „Thank you." I sat down on a desk. Suddenly, Regina came into the diner, looking pleased. Without asking, she took the chair across from myself.

„How was your walk with Henry? That's right - I know everything. But relax. I don't mind." „You don't?" She gave me a wicked smile. „No, because you no longer worry me, Miss Swan. You see, I did a little digging into who you are. And what I found out was quite soothing." Oh no, maybe she got hold of my health record, then she knew for 100% that she did not have to fear me. „It all comes down to the number seven." What was she talking about?

But I just played her game. She was to sure of herself to not tell me. „Seven?" „It's the number of addresses you have had over the last decade. Your longest in anywhere was two years. Really, what did you enjoy so much about Tallahasse?" Neal. Why did she have to bring up Tallahasse of all the places I have lived. She glared at me, knowingly, as if she could read my mind. I would not let her win. „If you were wondering, I did find a place here in town."

„I know. With Miss Blanchard. How long is your lease? Oh, wait. You don't have one. You see my point? In order for something to grow, Miss Swan, it needs roots. And you? Don't have any. People don't change. They only fool themselves into believing they can." I guess Graham did not tell her about my job. And MM and I were just discussing about the lease. She did not know me at all. Why is everyone so convinced that people cannot change?

„You don't know me." „I think I do. All I ask, is as you carry on your transient life, you think of Henry and what's best for him. Perhaps consider a clean break. It's going to happen anyway. Enjoy your cocoa." She stood up and left the diner.

She had a point though, considering Henry. It had to happen, it was inevitable. I was leaving him. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced to. I had to leave him before things got worse with me. I had played with the mug in my hand. It suddenly slipped, its content spilling onto me.

Maybe I really was clumsy. I stood up. Granny handed me a cloth. „Do you have a laundry room I can use?" Granny was vaguely into a direction.

When I found the laundry room, I took of my shirt and threw it into the washer. I heard someone desperately saying: „Oh no, no no no. Please no!" I quickly grabbed a shirt and put it on so that the heavily pregnant girl would not see my portacath.

„You okay there?" And then Ashley and I got into talking. She reminded me so much of myself. No parents to support you, your boyfriend turning his back on you. She was alone. It was only going to be her and the baby. And of course, all those who thought they knew better, who thought they could say something and miraculously everything will work out fine. But these people knew nothing.

I looked at her and said: „Everyone loves to tell you what you can and can't do, especially with a kid. But ultimately, whatever you're considering doing or giving up, the choice is yours." „It's not exactly what you might think it is." „ It never is. People are going to tell you who you are your whole life. You just got to punch back and say, 'no, this is who I am.' You want people to look at you differently? Make them. If you want to change things, you're going to have to go out there and change them yourself, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world."

She asked me if it had hurt. I could see the panic in her eyes. She was nearly in tears. I never have been like her, since I have ignored my pregnancy as best as I could. I did not want to have feelings for the baby inside of me, so that I could give it away without regret. Although I regretted it.

I told Ashely, that it was not that awful as movies like to display it. And that there were many doctors and nurses to help her through it. „Thank you, Emma." „You are welcome."

—

On the next day I went into the station. There was a cake on the desk and Graham standing behind it with a party hat on his head. „Really?" „It's your first day. Let me be sentimental." „Actually, my first day was yesterday." „Don't speak of that. You really got carried away at the party." I blushed. I was too embarrassed to say something.

Suddenly, someone came into the station. I recognized him as Mr. Gold. „Ah, just the person I was looking for." I could see a cut on the side of his head. „Miss Swan, I am Mr. Gold, we have met briefly." „I remember." „Good. I need your help. I am looking for someone." „You are?" „Yeah, she stole something very precious of me." „She?" „Ashley Boyd." Oh no. I could feel guilt rising up in my stomach. Maybe I should not have been that enthusiastic with my speech.

Now Graham stepped towards us: „When did you last see her?" „Yesterday, when she knocked me unconscious, always saying that she wanted to change her life. Will you help me?" „Of course we will."

—

„Henry you cannot come with us." „Then I will go looking for her myself." Graham chuckled. I was really getting annoyed. „Then I'll find you and bring you back." „Then you are not helping the maid." „I am trying to be responsible, here!" „And I am just trying to spend time with you." Graham intervened: „Let him come. We will both keep an eye on him. Nothing will happen."

„That is hardly fair of the two of you." „Just get in the car, Emma, we need to find a maid", Henry said. He got into the sheriff's car. „Well, he has a point." „Where do we start looking for her?" „I did not say anything in front of Mr. Gold but I have met Ashley yesterday." „Where?" „At the diner."

—

We walked into the diner, I thought to start asking Ruby. I was looking for her but could not see her in the front. Granny sent me back into the laundry room, I heard talking, so I sneaked my way back. I was looking round the corner.

There Ruby was standing, her body pressed against Killian's. That. son. of. a. bitch.

„Now…you cannot tell me you did not enjoy it that time." „Very well." His hand was running through her hair. „I am an honest man." His lips were so close to hers. His hand lay on the small of her back. „Your pretty face buys you a lot … but not my time anymore." He pushed her back. „And I have told you that before Ruby, so stop flirting with me. It gets annoying."

I have never seen him like that. So cold. I guess, all his attention towards me only existed because I was new in Storybrooke. Given this conversation with Ruby he most certainly had had dalliances with most of the women here. So I was the only challenge he could get.

What has made him that way? To never seek something real, no relationship, no family. I know what my story is, but I was curious about his.

He was coming right in my direction. I hopped around the corner, praying that he would take the other direction and would not see me. When the noise of his footsteps faded, I went into the laundry room. Ruby was in tears.

„Hey Emma." „You okay?" „Yes, I… just another fight with Granny." She brushed away the tears. „Did you want anything from me?"

Ruby sent us to the home of Ashley's boyfriend, we talked to the boy's father. He revealed to us that Mr. Gold was after Ashley's baby. I totally got, why she had hurt him. That bastard, coming to us with false pretense!

We sat into the car, I was burning with anger. Henry was in the backseat. „She must be Cinderella. Stepsisters, stepmom." „Henry, not now." „You cannot make double cross Gold, no one has ever broken a deal with him." „Well, I am glad I am the first. If Ashley wants to have this baby, she is going to have it."

—

„Why didn't you tell me she sold the baby, Ruby? I thought we were friends." „I did not think it was important. And she is my friend too. I did not want her to get judged by people." „You thought I would judge her?" And I could see something flicker in her eyes. She has never believed that, I could sense it. So what other reason is there that she lied to me? And then I got it. She sent me to the father to give Ashley a head-start.

„Where is she going?" „What?" She now looked at me as if I had punched the truth out of her. „You have to tell me. I am going to help her, I promise. And I keep my promises." „She said she wanted to go to Boston." „How long is she gone?" „About half an hour." „Thanks, Ruby. Next time, trust me from the beginning!"

—-

I was worried about the girl. Not that I believed Henry when he said that no one can leave Storybrooke and that bad things happen then. No, she was heavily pregnant. She should not be driving on her own. Graham had a serious expression on his face. „What's there?" „That's her car. See, I told you Emma, bad things happen!"

I jumped out of the car, Graham was not even parking yet. „ASHLEY!" She was not in the car. Please, let me find her! I heard someone moaning. I headed in the direction of the noise. „Ashley?" „The baby! It's coming!"

—-

She wanted this kid. She was ready. I could see it in her eyes. She already loved it. And that's why I could not deny it to her. She should get happy, even if it was only going to be her and the baby.

Henry and I were sitting in the waiting room. A plan was forming in my head. The doctor approached us. „Miss Swan. Baby is a healthy six pound girl and the mother is doing fine." I was smiling, and then I heard the clicking of his cane. He arrived just in time. How did he do that? Who told him she was here?

„What lovely news. Excellent work, Miss Swan. Thank you for bringing me my merchandise." I wanted to punch him in the face. What kind of person was he? Buying a baby.

„You are not going to get this baby. I won't allow that." He was smiling at me. „ You know no jury in the world will put a woman in jail, whose only reason for breaking and entering was to keep her child. I'm willing to roll the dice that contract doesn't stand up. Are you? Not to mention what might come out about you in the process. Somehow, I suspect, there is more to you than a simple pawn broker. You really want to start that fight?"

„I like you, Miss Swan. You're not afraid of me, that's either cocky or presumptuous. Either way, I'd rather have you on my side." „So she can keep the baby?" „Not just yet. There's still the matter of agreement with Miss Boyd." „Tear it up." „That's not what I do. If you want Ashley to have that baby, you must be willing to make a deal with me."

„What do you want?" „Oh, I don't know yet. You' ll owe me a favor." I hated owing favors, but Ashley deserved this. i had to do what was right. „Deal."

—-

I was sitting at the diner, drinking a glass of orange juice. It was nearly empty. „Thanks for helping Ash, I never should have doubted you, Emma." „You kind of hurt my feelings, but it's good for you that I am already over it since seeing Ashley with the baby." „I am really glad. And I am going to make it up to you." „How?" „It's a surprise. It will hit you when you least expect it." „You just made the surprise up, didn't you?" „Come on. I did not think you would be angry at all. But I could start with a cocoa with cinnamon." „Deal."

Suddenly, someone was sitting next to me. „I heard of your feat today, love. I cannot believe you stood up to Mr. Gold." Ruby slammed the cocoa in front of me, shooting daggers at Killian. She did not even ask him if he wanted to have something, she walked away and ignored him. And he deserved that. But he ignored her reaction as well. „What would I give to go back in time and see his face!"„Oh, I can assure you it was not that funny. He looked rather pleased. Maybe he was tired of all the pansies here in town who fear him", I teased him.

„I am no pansy. I have crossed lines with Gold more than once." „Really?" „Yeah, I just cannot stand him, given our history." „What did he do?" „It's a long story, I rather talk about something else."

„So you are the sheriff's deputy now?" „Yes. Thanks to Graham. I do not even know how he convinced Regina." He murmured something which made me suspicious. Did he knew something? But I did not want to press the subject.

„You know, I never got the chance to thank you for bringing me home." „Perhaps gratitude is in order now." „That's what the thank you was for." He was smirking at me again, showing me his perfect teeth. I have never seen someone as beautiful as him and yet … I would never let myself fall for anyone again. But why did he make me feel this way? Like thousands of butterflies were fighting in my stomach, it nearly hurt.

„Let me show you something." „What?" „Try something new, Darling, it's called trust. I promise you, you will like it. When do you have time?"

I could not believe myself when I blurted out: „Now is good." „You are very eager. Sounds like you only waited for me to ask you out." „To make it clear, this is not a date." „Whatever you say." „Let's go then."

He grabbed my hand. „Where are we going?" „I won't tell until we are there." I was nervous. Why did I accept? Did I really want to open up to him even more? He already knew I was ill. Shit, maybe he would only talk about that. I already regretted coming with him.

We were heading to the docks. He stopped in front of a sailboat and jumped onto it. Ah, so that's why he owned so many paintings of the sea. He was a sailor. He offered me his hand to help me get onto the boat.

He was busy, preparing the boat, so that we could sail. I have never been on a boat before so I really did not know what he was doing. I just watched him. Then the wind was howling and the boat started gliding over the water. Only a few minutes later, Storybrooke lay far behind us.

He sat next to me. „It's wonderful." It truly was. I loved being out here. „I am glad you like it. Want something to drink?" I nodded. He handed me a bottle of champagne. „Sorry, but I do not have glasses on board." „But a bottle of champagne?" „Aye, for special occasions."

„I think I will pass. Bad experience lately." He chuckled. „What was into you anyway? Looked like you wanted to make me jealous. Again." „That was not my intention", blushing. „But I am curious though. Did it work?" I bit my tongue. Emma, why did you ask! Sometimes you are so stupid! He was facing me. „I guess you will never know since you ran away from me at the party."

„I did not run." „It looked like the devil was after you." Maybe he was. „I needed the bathroom." „Of course." He was playing with a strand of my hair. Sometimes he was killing me, like now. When he was this near to me.

„Why did you take the drugs?" „I do not know that myself. It was on my list and I did not really think about it." „You have a list?" „Yeah, it was the stupid idea of my doctor after I quit the chemotherapy." I did not know why I could talk with him so freely about this. No one knew that there was a list. Okay, there was not literally a list since I threw it away, but there was a list in my head.

„And what else is on the list?" „Too many things, the list just keeps growing in my head." „You can work the list off eventually." And then I realized it. He thought that I could be saved. What he really meant was: You can work the list off when you are cured. I tensed and pulled away from him.

He looked at me questioningly, one eyebrow up. „You okay?" „Yes, we should head back now, it's getting dark." „As you wish."

He was getting up and began to steer the ship back. I stood at the front of the boat, watching the ocean. I clutched myself because it was cold. The wind ruffled my hair. I had started to cry silently, not facing him, so that he would not notice. I prayed that the wind took my tears with him. It was hard to hold the sobs back.

I saw a big wave approaching the boat, before I could get ahold of something, it hit the boat which made me stumble backwards. I tripped over something and landed on my back. I was cursing, the tears still flooding my eyes.

He was leaning over me. He saw the tears. „Did you hurt yourself?" He helped me sit up, his face only inches away from mine, our noses nearly touching. „No, I was just clumsy." „And you are crying because you are clumsy?"

I starred into his blue eyes, they always make the butterflies in my stomach flutter, although I would never admit this out loud. He made me feel this way. He made me want more. But this could never be. „Because you don't understand. And I fear also Graham misunderstood something." „Why do you bring up Graham now?" He said, with his lips nearly touching mine. I could almost feel the words on my skin because he was breathing them. I just had to lean a bit forward and our lips would be touching. I wondered if he had soft lips. What would they feel like? I nearly gave into the urge to kiss him.

Instead I was saying: „Because I made a mistake." „What mistake?" „You cannot save me. I am running out of time."

Now it was him who pulled away. I had wanted to kiss him so badly now but I have not expected anything else than this reaction. His actions just showed me what I have known all along. I am dying. I am not worth spending your time with, I am not worth the effort. The ocean is big and has so many other fishes to offer. Why waste your time on me, when you could save yourself the pain?

And given his looks, he could have anyone. Emma, you should not care. You know this guy for how long now? A few weeks. He is just a stranger to you. And you to him as well. In his life you are only going to be a passer-by, not leaving any memories behind. He will forget you.

You know exactly who you are, Emma, and who you will always be. An orphan. A loner. Someone who draws misfortune, who is not allowed to get a happy ending. But my life story had - at least - something positive: I was used to it by now. I brushed away the tears and stood up. Put on a mask and pretend everything is fine.

He still was kneeing on the floor. A blank expression on his face. When he finally snapped out of it, he reminded me of my doctors, of the people in the support groups I went, simply of everyone that got to know that I was dying. He pitied me and feared me at the same time since he did not know how to deal with me.

They could not understand and how should they? Being condemned to death does not make you braver. You fear death even more than all the other people because it was so graspable. And everyone who talked to you was afraid to say something wrong, to make you shatter like glass just with their words. But this treatment does not help anyone. At least, it was not, what I needed.

He was lost for words. He has never stayed silent that long. I walked towards him, offering him my hand. He looked like a kid who was lost. He starred at my hand, almost as if he was afraid of touching me. „You don't have to look at me like that. I am dying. It's not contagious." I helped him up.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. My heart was aching but I did not show it. „Take me back now, please."

As soon as we reached the shipping pier, I jumped off the boat. He did not even go after me. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes again, but I blinked them away. This was such a huge mistake. I thought I could forget my illness, but I could not. It was standing between me and the world. How could I open up to people when all they did was leave me because they were afraid.

I could understand them. If I could, I would run away too. But other than they, I had no choice.—

It was dark outside. The cold was creeping into my bones. I did not want to go home right now. I was too shaken. I probably would cry in front of MM and I did not want her to know about all of this. So I tried to cool my mind with walking.

It had started raining heavily. I saw a little girl jumping into a puddle, her mother was angry at first, but joined her then. They were smiling and laughing. It reminded me of the happier days of my childhood. There was a time when I had a - sort of - mother too. She loved me and she was willing to adopt me. Anna. For me she was the most precious person. There was just one problem: her husband.

He was an alcoholic, intoxicated when he got home from wherever he had spent the day. I feared him since he beat me more than once, although Anna took the beats for me, protecting me from him. He had hurt us both so much. But still, her eyes were filled with love when she spoke about him. She did not want to loose him.

For a while, it was fine for the two of us. We were happy, being everything we have dreamed of for one another. She took me to the zoo and she also jumped into the puddles with me.

But one time he got home, more drunken than ever. Anna was not there, she was out shopping. He had never been home this early. I tried to hide from him but he found me. He beat me, until my eyes were so swollen that I could not see anymore. My whole body was sore and ached. He would have killed me if I had not done anything. I pushed him away from me, he fell down the stairs, hitting his head. He was dead when the ambulance arrived.

I thought everything would work out fine now that he was gone but Anna was mourning him. In her grieve she started to become like him, only that she did not beat me, but she destroyed me with her words. She called me a murderer. She said I was the one who took the happiness from her life. I tried to hold onto her for as long as I could, wanting to bring her joy again, just as the times we used to had.

But one day, she took me for another vacation. She took me to the amusement park. She was also smiling. We bought cotton candy. After that, I wanted to take a ride on the ferries wheel. She said she was not feeling well because of the cotton candy and that I should go alone. I was a child, believing her every word. That she would wait for me. That she loved me.

I was sitting on the ferries wheel and going higher and higher up. It started raining. When I got down again, she was not there. I waited for hours, believing she would come back. My clothes were drenched. I was freezing. But I did not cry. I put all my hopes into her. I had loved her like I would have loved my own mother. She betrayed me.

After hours of waiting, the lady of the child protective services which had visited us from time to time was kneeling in front of me. „Hello Emma. Do you remember me?" I knew exactly why she was there. That Anna did not want me any longer, I had lived this through a million times. „She will come back! I just know it!" I said eagerly.

„Emma, I am sorry. But she won't come back."

Someone was standing in front of me. I said: „She won't come back." „Emma? What are you talking about? Who won't come back?" Graham said. I snapped out of my daydream. „Sorry, I was distracted." „Are you okay? You are soaking wet." Then I realized he had put an umbrella above our heads. „I am fine, don't worry."

But I could feel my feet shaking, my world was spinning again. I passed out.


	5. Is this a dream or is this my lesson?

**Omg, I cannot say how freaking awesome the last episode of OUAT was! I am so excited that we will get to see a Captain Swan date! :D :D **

**Thanks again for all your support :) I hope you like it and I am sorry but I had to do it (read and you will understand! :( )**

**Chapter 4: Is this a dream or is this my lesson?**

When I was unconscious, I had another dream of Anna and her husband. He was beating me and she was just watching, she herself was also beaten up. But she just starred at him beating the shit out of me. I was crying, asking for her help over and over again. She smiled at me with a wicked grin and said: „It's going to be fine. Don't worry." And then it hit me, this was no dream. It was a memory. As a little kid I had always thought that she loved me, but she only had me because of the money. She let him beat me, she was glad I was there, so he did not hit her. She always made false promises to me, just that I would say everything was fine, staying with them longer, getting more money.

I startled up. Graham looked startled too. I was lying in a bed. His bed I guessed. „What am I doing here?" „You passed out, I brought you here and dressed you since you were soaking wet. Dr. Whale came in to check on you." I realized I was in way too big pajamas. With no underwear. He had seen me naked. I could not help myself from blushing. And somehow I could feel a tugging in my lower regions. „Did you…?" „No, I did not tell him what was up with you. I just wanted to make sure that you are okay." „Thank you."

„Did you have a nightmare?" „Why?" „You were talking in your sleep." Oh no. He touched my forehead. „You still have fever." He patted my head with a wet cloth. „Wanna talk about it?" I did not. So I did what I always did when I was feeling unsure, hurt, alone. I kissed him. He was surprised at first, but returned the kiss eventually. Furthermore, I wanted to feel attractive since Killian had sort of dumped me.

I straddled him, my feet on either side of his body. „Did you see that?", Graham said. „What?" „Never mind." I pulled of my - well, rightfully his - shirt. This was wrong in so many ways. But I always choose sex to feel some comfort. It has always been that way since my first time with Neal. I compensated all the bad feelings, with the feeling of lust, forgetting my worries in the face of pleasure.

Graham was a good guy, I hoped that he would understand that I was not looking for anything else than casual sex. His fingers traced over my body, cupping my breasts, pinching my nipples. I moaned softly. I pulled his shirt up and began leaving kisses alongside his body.

While I did this, my mind did not shut up about Killian. I imagined Graham to be Killian. His eyes turned into blue ones. His hair was growing darker. I was so turned on, seeing Killian instead of Graham. I could nearly see Killian's devilish grin, when he sucked my breasts.

My kisses trailed down until I reached his trousers. I quickly undid the button. But suddenly his hands were grabbing my shoulders, pushing me back, wakening me from my dream that he was Killian.

„I am sorry Emma. But we cannot do this." „I feel fine. It's just fever." I said, trying to kiss him again but he turned his head. „No, I can't. I am seeing someone." „What?" I quickly got up from him. All the lust that I had felt, was washed away. I never have been the other woman and I did not want to change that. It was just against my principles.

„Why didn't you tell me?" „Because I did not think you would approve." And then it doomed upon me. „It's Regina, isn't it?" And from the look he gave me, I knew I was right. I felt sick to the stomach. Where I had touched him, she has too. Where my lips kissed him, she had been first. „Does Henry know?" „No, I sneak out every time." „You do this with Henry in the house?" „He is sleeping, he has not found out yet." „This is disgusting. I wish I was Henry right now." I stood up, not even bothering to put the shirt back on. I slipped into my jacket, zipped it and tried to escape from this weird situation as quick as possible.

„Wait! Can we please talk about this?" „What do you mean?" „I want you to understand…" „I really don't care. You are an adult. I only wish you had told me." „If you would not care, we would not have nearly slept together!" „Oh come on, that would have been just sex! I was not looking for something serious!" „So you just wanted to use me?" „As if that would have bothered you. And let's just forget this has happened at all!"

„Emma, I am so sorry, but when you kissed me… I got carried away. It felt so different than with Regina." „Ugh, can we please stop talking about Regina!" „I did not tell you because I did not want you to look at me like you look at me now." „Why do care how I look at you?" „Because…" He made a step towards me, crushing his lips against mine. But I pushed him away. „Stop it! You just said yourself you are with Regina, I don't want to be the other woman." „I…"

There was a knock on the door and then it flew open. Killian was standing before us. „Am I interrupting anything?" He seemed to be pissed. Gods, why did he always choose this special moments to show up? And why was the door unlocked? What if Regina had walked in on us? She would not have allowed me to see Henry anymore. She would have thought I did this to make her pay for all the worry she caused me and Henry.

„Yeah, you are. I'll talk to you later, Killian." „Actually, Graham and I were finished. I need to go home now." Killian looked at me as if I had ripped his heart out. I realized that I was wearing Graham's pants. I flushed because of the shame I was feeling. I could not look him nor Graham in the eyes. I was so embarrassed with myself. I had had a lot of walk of shames in my life but this was the worst.

Walking past the man I am attracted to and his best friend, with whom I had nearly slept. It occurred to me, that Killian would probably think that we did it. Slept together. My cheeks turned even more red, if that was even possible.

But I did not say anything, I just stormed out of the building, hoping that I would forget this soon, leaving this behind me.

—

I lay on my bed, starring up at the ceiling. Although I was in the mood for crying, not a single tear left my eye. Why did I sabotage my life constantly? Graham was a nice guy, and I liked him a lot, but not in any romantic way. We could have been good friends but now I have destroyed everything.

Not to begin with Killian! But I probably would have messed up anyway. As I knew myself, I would have had sex with him and then crawl behind my wall again. My wall that should protect me from pain, from loss, from sorrow. The first time I had hid behind my wall was after Anna had left me. Whenever I was in a new foster home, I did not even try to be likable to them anymore. I just stayed to myself all the time.

Afraid that if I did or said something wrong, I would be put into the foster home again. That's why I silently endured every verbal and physical attack. I was always searching for a home. But I never found one. Whenever I was put into the children's home again, I did not miss anyone of the foster parents and kids. So I guess, I never really felt at home. And although I did not miss them, piece after piece of myself was destroyed whenever someone was shunting me off into the children's home.

There was only so much hurt that every person could handle. And I have reached the limit. That was the reason for my wall. I was too afraid to grew fond of anyone because I knew that in the end, they would leave me. They would see me for the person I am and go away. And as always I would stay behind, shattered, broken and destroyed.

Suddenly, my phone was ringing. It was Graham. I ignored the phone call. He tried it several times but I did not pick up. I did not want to talk to him or anyone right now. MM burst into my room. „Emma! John Doe has woken up! When he touched my hand I thought I was seeing things but now…" „What are you talking about?" „The coma patient who Henry thought was Prince Charming. He is gone, walked out of the hospital alone. Graham told me that they are searching for him in the woods." „Oh no. Henry's believe will just grow stronger. That was a bad idea." „Are you coming?" „Where are we going?" „In the woods of course."

—

Killian:

Henry and I were at his castle while everyone else was at the hospital due to John Doe, whose real name apparently was David Nolan. Regina had found his wife, Katherine. The poor lass could not even remember anything. I pitted him because of what was expected of him. To return to a life which he had no memories of. To a wife he did not even knew, let alone love.

No one should endure such a fate. Amnesia. Although, thinking of catching the two of them together, he barely dressed, she in his pants, the look of guilt on both of their faces. Maybe it was not so bad to forget after all.

I only volunteered to babysit Henry to distract myself. My mind was consumed by her. All of my thoughts were revolving around her. Emma.

I was randomly picking up some pebble stones and throwing them in different direction. The lass was reading in his old fairytale book. I did not mind not talking. Lately, I was in such a bad mood, I did not want to take it out on him. We always had a good relationship, Henry and me.

I recall meeting him for the first time exactly here at this castle. He was a four year old toddler, not even reaching to my knees. He looked so sad and lost. I could see that he was crying, but as soon as he caught sight of me, he brushed the tears away, putting a mask on his face. I had admired his strength. I asked him what he was doing there all alone.

Then he mentioned that Regina was his mum and that she barely had time for him, that she had once again forgotten to pick him up from kindergarden. He reminded me so much of myself. I also had to grow up fast, because I was abandoned by my father.

I was joking with him, making him smile. From this day forward I always watched over him and whenever I could I spent time with him to make him forget for a few moments who his mother was, what his problems were, that he was a loner.

I wanted to think about Henry more but my mind still was clouded by her. I did not even know why I am so upset. Could I condemn her for being with another? It's not that we had a thing going on. But I thought that we were bonding, that we had some kind of connection.

She was so different than any other woman that I have met. And that is what makes her so appealing to me. She is still a mystery to me. There is so much of her past that she tries to keep, that she does not want to share with anyone. Sometimes she was so straightforward, saying what she was thinking, standing up for someone like she did with Ashley, but there are other times that she entrenches herself behind her walls.

We were similar in so many ways. I never let someone in. I was afraid of feeling something, of getting my heart broken once more. I absently brushed over the tattoo of Milah. She has been the only light in my life, and was taken from me. Suicide, because of her ex-husband, Mr. Gold. I had always blamed him for her death, that's why I thought so poorly of this coward. He had driven her to end her life. She was so desperate although we had been so happy. At least, I was.

I had found her in our apartment. She lay in the bathtub. She was fully dressed. Her head was underwater. The water itself has turned red because of her blood. I reacted quickly, pulling her out to see if she was still alive. But she was dead. Probably for a couple of hours. I sank against the wall, I could not process what I was seeing. I could not cry, I could not move. I was numb. I did not even have the strength to call the police or the ambulance. Whatever. I only called Graham.

He was shocked too since we three had been so close. We were like family.

He asked me what had happened. I could not react to his question. I will forever recall my answer. „I was going to ask her to marry me tonight." As soon as the words had left my mouth, I could feel the weight of the ring in the pocket of my trousers. Graham helped me through the hardest time of my life. He planned her funeral. He was there for me. I will forever be in his depth. I buried the ring, I had bought for her, with her. It should have been hers, so I did not want to deny it her.

After her, I never let myself care for anyone again.

Since Milah was gone, I did not want anyone to see the demons from my past. I always thought it was easier to never let yourself care than actually feeling something and then get hurt. I never again gave it a shot, never took a risk.

Maybe that was also one of the reasons why I did not kiss her on my boat. It was the easier way for me. But she simply caught me off guard. I knew that she was ill, but she never! mentioned that she could not be cured. I did not know that she was dying!

The past days I have realized that I … I cared for her. I was constantly worrying about her, fearing that she might break down alone and her salvation would come too late. I have not asked to feel something, but I could not help it.

When I asked her out (kind of, I never showed any of the others my boat, let alone give them a boating), I surprised myself. It was not what I had intended to say. I actually wanted to persuade her to kiss me, which would have lead to taking her home with me, sleeping with her. But then other words were formed in my mouth, words that my subconscious spoke out loud. As if to tell me, that Emma was something special, to treat her different than all the other women in my life. To let her in. To maybe fall for her. To become happy with her.

On the boat my walls were established again. I told myself to stop before it got too serious. Before there was no going back. I was afraid of the pain. The pain I would have to face when she would be gone, leaving me behind wrecked, unable to deal with the pain, just like with Milah.

Yeah, and of course Milah was the other reason I could not kiss her, because my heart was only reserved for her. I almost felt like betraying her. Not that I have not been with any other woman since her death, no, I have slept with uncountable women but I never felt something with them. It was just to ease my pain. But I feared that if I kissed Emma, it would mean so much more than with the others.

So I backed off.

I was a coward, I knew it the instance she ran away from me, not wanting to show me her pain. She had let me in, she had trusted me with her secret of the list, of her dying, and I destroyed it.

But then again, she ran to Graham. It quite hurt seeing how fast she moved on. Maybe I just had misunderstood something. She was never mine to begin with. Maybe it had always been Graham and I … was just the second cast. All this tension and sexual attraction between us, well, maybe I have imagined it. My wishful thinking has clouded my mind.

And then, Graham knew how much I was attracted to her! I had talked with him about it, several times. How could he sleep with her behind my back? If the two of them wanted to be happy, to become something more serious, he should have talked to me and Regina. Cheating on her… I never thought Graham was capable of that. He has always been the nice guy.

And Emma? She deserved so much more. I did not want to say that I was the better choice, when I certainly was the bad guy in every girl's story that I have ever been with, but seriously, how could she want to be the other woman? She should be with a man who made her every wish come true, with whom she could face her demons and overcome her past.

I have always seen that she has been hurt more than once. A broken soul recognizes another. I have seen it in her eyes. They were so green and so lost. She deserved to be happy.

Suddenly, Henry was saying something. „He must be the Huntsman." „Who are you talking about, mate?" „Graham of course. He has talked to me. He said he was seeing things from another life. I think he is remembering." The Huntsman. Such a noble character, who spared the life of innocent Snow White. A few days ago I would have said it fit perfectly for Graham but not today. He has betrayed me and he has cheated on Regina, although I despised her, no one deserved that. „He said he kissed Emma and then he had a flashback."

So it really was true. Assuming things and proof were two different pair of shoes. Henry sounded rather pleased of the current events. „He wants to feel something again. The evil queen took his heart. He just has to find it again." No, not the evil queen took his heart. To me it looked like Emma has stolen his heart.

„Henry, you never told me which fairytale character you think I am." I did not know why I asked. I knew that the curse thing was silly, but I needed to know if he thought I was a villain or a hero. Maybe then I could understand why Emma chose Graham.

Henry looked at me. „That's because I have not figured it out yet. There are just too many characters. But you have to be one of the good guys." I smiled. „Why do you believe that?" „Because I trust you and I know you, Killian." At least someone who believed in me. „Wanna have something to eat?" „Yeah, while we are eating we can figure out a plan to get MM and David together." „Aren't you a little young to play matchmaker? And David is already married. „They are Snow White and Prince Charming, they belong together or else MM's voice would not have woken him up. We are one step closer to breaking the curse."

—

Emma:

I still avoided Graham, although we had searched for David together. I stood in the hallway watching David and Katherine. MM had left half an hour ago, rather abruptly to my mind. I think something was up. I could see how she looked at him. I should talk to her. Falling for a married man did never work out. Even if the married man could not remember his wife.

Suddenly, someone cleared his throat behind me. I turned around. „You did not answer my calls." „I was busy." Regina was watching us, looking like she wanted to kill us both. „Did you tell Regina?" „No, of course not." He now faced her also, she turned away. „I broke up with her." „You did what?" „It felt so wrong. I did not feel anything with her. At least, not like I felt with you."

Oh no. This conversation was going in the wrong direction. He could be a good friend to me, if we spent more time together. But there would never be something romantically between us since I obviously was attracted to someone else. This one night stand would have been the greatest mistake of my life. Well, maybe I am exaggerating now. I certainly had done a few stupid things in life. Worse than sleeping with Graham.

„Graham, I think you misunderstand something. I don't know what you are looking for but you won't get it with me." „But… in my apartment…." „That was a mistake. I just wanted to feel comfortable…" „And having sex would have helped you?" „No, I just wanted reassurance. I wanted to feel attractive, okay?" He easily could read between the lines now. „So there is another?" „I am sorry. I like you, Graham, but more in a brotherly way."

„Wow, my dignity just went missing. But I think dignity is overrated anyway." „So can you forgive me?" „Maybe, but give me some time, yeah?" „Don't take too long." I said, smiling at him sadly. „I won't. It's hard to be upset with you." He returned the smile.

I squeezed his hand. He was walking back to David and Katherine. He looked at me once more through the glass. I mouthed: „Thank you." He smiled and just shrugged his shoulders.

—

I tossed and turned sleeplessly in my bed. I did not know why I could not find sleep. Maybe because I have not seen Killian in days, I avoided him as best as I could. I did not want to see him for a while. I still felt ashamed about him catching Graham and me. And that he had dumped me.

Or maybe because Graham and my friendship would never be the same although he tried hard. We have been to the rabbit hole several times, drinking and having fun. We worked together and yet… there was standing something between us. I never should have let myself get carried away. I was foolish.

Life is a series of mistakes. Everyone tells you that mistakes are okay because you can learn from them but to me it feels as if I was repeating my mistakes all over again. Whenever I open up to people, whenever I win a friend, I destroy it. It was as if I was sabotaging my own life, as if I was my worst enemy.

Suddenly, my phone was ringing. It was the station. I was wondering why they would call me since I thought I was done with nightshifts. I picked up.

—

I arrived at the cemetery. I still could not believe what I had heard on the phone. A dead body was found, they would not say whose body it was or maybe they had not identified it yet.

As I walked over the cemetery, I could see the blue lights from the ambulance and hear the siren. Although, they confirmed on the phone that they have found a corpse, it was protocol that they sent an ambulance just in case the finder was wrong.

They were all gathered in front of a mausoleum. All of them wearing sad expressions. Regina was sitting on the floor, her back against the wall. She looked lost, tears covering her cheeks. I have never seen her like this.

My first thought was that it was Henry. My heart stopped to beat. My world has stopped moving. But then I saw the corpse covered under a blanket. It was much too big to be Henry. I let out my breath. I had not even realized that I had held it.

I ignored Regina and walked over to the body, where someone was standing. „You must be the sheriff." „No, I am his deputy." He looked a bit surprised and startled. And then I could see pity in his eyes. I knew what this meant. He was dead. That's why I was no deputy anymore.

Slowly, as if in slow motion, I drew the white blanket down. With every bit that was revealed, I could see more of his face. Graham. I could not help myself but cry. I have lost him. He who stood beside me, giving me a job, standing up against Regina. He was my friend. And now he was gone. I would never see him smiling at me again, never hear one of his silly, listless jokes. I could never talk to him, never telling him what he truly meant to me. He was family. He was like a protective brother to me. I loved him.

It took me a while to gather myself. I faced the man again and said: „What happened? Was he assaulted? And why here?" „It does not look like someone has hurt him. We can not say for sure if he was poisoned but it looks like it was because of a natural cause of death. My tip would be that he had a heart attack." „A heart attack? He is so young", realizing that I could not say this anymore, I almost stuttered when I said: „Was so young." „It's rare but it happens. Maybe he had an inherent cardiac anomaly of which he had not known of. It's tragic. But we will know for sure when the pathologist has run his tests on him." „Why is Regina here? I mean Madame Mayor." „She found him. It's her family's crypt. She was bringing her father flowers." „Does she know what he was doing here?" „I am afraid, she had no idea. Maybe you should take her home, she is very exhausted and I think she is stuck in some kind of emotional shock." „Thanks for answering my questions."

I have not realized that I had grabbed Graham's hand. When the man rolled Graham away, I did not let go until we reached the ambulance. They pulled him in and closed the doors. I could not move, I was standing there, watching them as they were driving away. I felt as lost as Regina had looked like.

When I turned around, Regina was still crying. I approached her. „You must enjoy this, seeing me like this, Miss Swan." „I don't get any satisfaction in seeing people suffer." I offered her my hand to help her up. She only starred at it, giving me evil glares. „Can we not put aside our differences for tonight. We both lost someone we cared about." Reluctantly, she took it. I pulled her up. „I will take you home." „I am fine, Miss Swan. I think some fresh air will help me." „You sure?" „Yes. And thank you." I did not truly understand why she was thanking me, nonetheless, I responded: „You are welcome." (Author's note: So in this story Regina really has cared about Graham, she was upset with him for dumping her and killed him in the end, because love is weakness, that's why she is thanking Emma.)

—

At his funeral I tried to be strong for Henry. He was in tears the whole ceremony. He even mumbled into my ear that we were done with operation cobra when something like this kept happening to people. He was heart-broken. And I was too. But I put on a mask, I tried to comfort Henry, when in truth I needed comforting more than anyone.

The weather fitted to the mood of the people. It was raining heavily, dark clouds above our heads. The dark day was only lit by a few flashes. It was as if for this day, he has taken all the colors with him. It was a world in black and white. Nearly everyone from Storybrooke was here. He was the sheriff after all, everyone knew him.

Henry was clinging to my side. Regina was standing in the front, her head lowered in respect. Now and again she was sniffing, a handkerchief brought up to her nose.

MM was standing with me, holding my hand. She cried silently, watching the preacher man speak. I could not follow the ceremony. My gaze was fixed on his coffin. Uncountable bouquets and flowers were placed on it. I never was the flower-type, but MM had organized a bouquet for the two of us. It was simple, but it was lovely.

Then his coffin was lowered into his grave hole. One after the other was stepping towards it, throwing soil onto his coffin. The graveyard was emptying. Until only a few were left. I could see Killian, I had wondered where he was since I had not seen him before. He walked to the grave, he could not even walk straight. He must be drunk. He fell down in front of the open hole. I could hear him sob.

Some people began whispering, others looked disgusted. They did not understand. He had lost his family today. I instantly hurried to his side, wrapping my arm around his body and helping him up. He threw a picture of the both of them onto the coffin. While falling down, it flipped and I could see that on the back was standing: „I am sorry."

I walked him off the graveyard.

I had known that they were close. They both had no parents and they were like family. I knew it since the day I was at Killian's apartment with all the pictures of the two of them together. The same was true for Graham's little flat. I could not even imagine what Killian was going through since Graham had told me that they had a bad fight and were not really talking the last few days.

And now, they never would be able to talk again.

He looked so lost. His eyes were not focused on anything, just wandering around, searching for something, anything that he could rely on, until he met my eyes. We were far away from the others, so no one could see us. He had tears in his eyes.

„He is gone." I pulled him close, hugging him tightly. His whole body was shaking with sobs. I tried to soothe him, rubbing circles on his back. His head rested on my shoulder, drenching my jacket with his tears. He was holding onto me as if his life was depending on it.

I could not stand seeing him like this. Had I felt terrible, sad and heart-broken before because of Graham's death, it was 1000 times worse now.

I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright, that everything will work out just fine. That time would heal his wounds, or that it will get easier, at least.

But I could not lie to him. I have been through so much and you never forget. Pain is your constant companion, following you wherever you go, no matter how fast you try to run, no matter how far you try to escape. It is always there.

In your sleep the demons try to catch you, try to destroy what is left of you. They repeat all the miserable things that you have been through, showing you again and again what you have left, what you can never accomplish.

You are left behind, only a shadow of yourself.

But I somehow had the strange feeling that I did not have to lie to him, that he knew all of this because he has been through it before. Nonetheless, I did not talk. I just remained in the same position.

After a while, I said: „Let's get you home."

—

I helped him out of his suit. When I undressed him, I tried not to stare at his body, although it was hard not to. I had never seen someone as perfect as him. But then I looked him in the eyes again and was reminded why I was here, what day it was.

He lay himself down on his bed, I put the sheets over him. „Try to sleep a bit." I turned off the lamp on his bedside table. The room was completely dark. I could not see my own hand before my eyes. I wanted to turn around and walk outside of his apartment when suddenly, his hand caught my wrist. „Don't go. Please."

I was undecided what to do. Should I stay? I did not want things to get more awkward between us than they already were. But I could stay until he was asleep and then sneak out. He should not be alone anyway. I was afraid that he would do something stupid.

So I crawled onto the bed next to him. I lay myself on the sheets, so that our bodies would not touch. But he pulled me close, my back was pressed against his body. His arm was around my waist. I could hear his breathing in my ear. I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

I lay there for a while, listening to his breathing, trying to hear if he was already asleep. But at some point, I could not keep my eyes open. I was so tired myself. At first, I fought it, but then gave into sleep.

**So Graham is dead now :( :( Although I am shipping CS so hard, I will never get over the death of Graham. he did not even get a funeral on the show :( He deserved one! ****That is why I had to give him one. **


	6. Your Love is A Waiting Game

Yeah, finally another chapter! I am so sorry that it took so long, but my computer could not be repaired so I had to save for a new one (I had to wait for my birthday to get the final money)! I hope you like it! Please read and review :)

** VMars lover:** thank you for always taking the time to review :) I am so glad you like it! I appreciate your reviews so much, they make me so happy !

**Chapter 5: Your Love Is A Waiting Game**

Killian:

He would never come back. He was gone. And the last thing I said to him was, that I had wished that I never had trusted him. I was mad because of him and Emma although he explained to me that nothing has happened between them. I still did not believe him, I doubted him. Why have I not trusted him? He was my friend. He has always been there for me. He has not failed me once.

Only because my ego was too big to overcome my injured pride. I hated myself for it. I regretted that I cursed him, that I said I wish I had never met him. I even blamed him for Milah's death, accusing him of not being able to have stopped it. I knew that it was wrong, that neither he or I could have ever helped her. She was too lost to be saved. But I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him in pain.

I wish I could have told him that he was my family. I wish I could have said goodbye properly. No, what I really wanted, was , that he was here with me, joking about our silly argument and drinking a few beers, just like the good old times.

I was such an idiot, such a jerk. There were a million swearwords that came to my mind, which fitted me. I still hoped that all of this was a nightmare and that I would wake from it eventually.

I nearly began to cry again, but then Emma turned in her sleep and was facing me. Her arms were around me as if she had sensed in her sleep that I needed her. She was so beautiful. And then I condemned myself again, knowing that Graham really had liked her. Now, she was lying here with me. Why did I mess up everything? This was so wrong and yet her arms around me felt so good.

I got distracted from my thoughts by watching her. She seemed almost peaceful. Her face was so relaxed. I have never seen her like this. But suddenly, she began to tremble. Her face was looking worried. And then she was speaking: „No, please… stop it!" Seemed like a bad nightmare. „Anna… it hurts… make him stop" My heart skipped a beat. I started to believe she was reliving a bad memory of her past. It made me angry, knowing that someone has hurt her. I asked myself to what extend. Was she beaten up? Or worse … ? I could not even bring myself to think in this direction.

My fists were clenching. I could see sweat on her forehead. She still was tossing and turning. Kicking me now and again, but I did not mind. „Do something! … will kill me … No, no…" I pulled her closer, brushing over her hair and whispered: „It's alright, I am here. I won't allow anyone to hurt you."

Her face still looked troubled. „but you left me … Neal." My fingertips wandered over her face, trailed over her cheeks. Neal. Has she loved him? „I won't go anywhere." Her face softened again and she relaxed, her whole body losing the tension from before.

She was hiding so much behind her mask. Her green eyes trying to fool you, to make you believe she was alright. But I could see through the veil of green to see the darkness that has surrounded her, that tries to consume her. Nonetheless, there was also a little sparkle of light in her eyes. Hope. It's hard to believe that she still had faith in life when she obviously has been through a lot.

She was something special. I could tell from the very beginning. I did not know why she attracted me this much. When she was lying in my arms, the throbbing pain in my chest because of the loss was only dull.

Why did she make me feel this way? No one since Milah has managed to do that. I was so confused, trapped between my feelings for Milah, my pain and my fear to start over with someone else than her.

„Killian…", Emma breathed. It almost sounded like a moan. Why was she dreaming of me? Her face was flushed.

This was too much for me. I silently pulled away, trying not to wake her. She just turned around and lay flat on her stomach. I could not do this. This was so wrong.

I could not hook up with the girl Graham liked. I did not want to disappoint him. And Emma… she deserved something better. She needed someone who could heal her wounds, mend her, not someone to pull her even further down. Not someone like me.

—

Emma:

My phone was ringing, I startled up. I looked around confused, not knowing where I was. I recalled bringing Killian home. But I was alone in his bed. I never planned on sleeping over. I picked up. „Hello?" „Emma, where are you? I am so worried." „MM … I…. I'll explain later, okay?" „Fine. See you then."

I stood up and brushed through my hair, trying to straighten them. Then I walked outside. I wondered where he was. It was so quiet. I walked into the kitchen. There was a cup of coffee, some fruits and a bagel. I tried the coffee, it has gone cold.

I found a letter next to the bagel. „I was needed at the shop. I did not want to wake you. Thank you for staying over. Sorry for being an inconvenience to you." I grabbed the bagel and left his apartment.

—

The next 2 weeks I was busy, since being alone at the station. I did not see Killian once, although I wished for it, secretly.

—

Canon: Mr. Gold helping Emma. Emma getting sheriff.

I was sitting at granny's diner. Behind me everyone was celebrating my victory. I just was not into partying. I was sheriff now but I hated the way I got the votes. I was down because I had seen the look on Henry's face. I was his hero. And yet, I could not let him believe that it was true when Gold had set this up. I had never asked for any of this. I did not want anyone to get hurt, not even Regina.

They only voted me because I had the guts to stand up against the one man everyone was afraid of. I took another sip of my drink. There was not enough alcohol in this world to make my grief, disappointment and sorrow disappear.

Killian was sitting himself next to me. He had a beer in his hand. I could see that he still was mourning Graham, so was I.

„What's wrong, Swan? Souldn't you be full of joy? You got elected." I did not even look him in the eyes. I did not reply anything, just emptied the glass in one gulp. I waved for another drink. Granny poured whiskey in my glass. She was smiling at me. I could not even bring myself to smile back at her.

Granny walked back to the others, touching glasses with them. Nothing of this meant anything to me at all. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe they should not have elected me. They assumed that I was a strong person, but I was not. I had to step in way to big footsteps. I missed Graham. Why was he gone?

It felt so wrong taking on his job. I was not cut out of the wood to be a sheriff. I was a criminal. I was a thief. I was ill. I should never have accepted. I just wanted to show Henry that good could win. And now … there was this huge responsibility. The people in Storybrooke were counting on me. MM, Granny, Ruby, Ashley, Archie … Henry. I could not disappoint them. I would try as hard as I could, although I would never be good enough. There was only one man for this job and he was gone.

I felt guilty. Guilty for moving on, taking his job. Everyone was cheering for me. They have forgotten that we still should be sad, that we still should feel sorrow. But I guess for some of the others, Graham had been just the sheriff. Nothing more. However, he was so much more. He was kind, he was joking all the time, I could not imagine Graham without his smile. I did not want to let him go. I wanted to get to know him better. He would have been my first guy friend.

I took another sip of my drink.

Killian was closing in to me. „Are you ignoring me?" „No, I just… don't want to talk about the election, okay?" „What do you want to talk about then?" „Can't we just enjoy each others company silently?" „So you are enjoying my company?", he was smirking at me. It reminded me of the many times he had hit on me before, where everything was easy compared to the mess now. „Just shut up and drink." I lifted the glass to my mouth and downed it.

„I think I should go home now." I stood up and stormed out of Granny's. I had quickly waved goodbye to the others. The door opened again and Killian walked next to me. He grabbed my hand and made me turn, so that I looked him in the face.

„He had wanted you to be the sheriff, you know that, right?" „Do you really think so?" „Aye. He had trusted you. If he had to choose between you and Sidney or anyone else in Storybrooke, he would have still picked you." „Thank you." I surprised myself, when I hugged him tightly. His arms around my body just felt so good.

He revealed a bottle of some kind of liqueur behind his back. He even brought some shot glasses. „I just thought we should drink to your new job. You defeated Regina." „You mean Sidney." „Yeah, but we all know Sidney does everything that wicked woman tells him to."

He poured some of the liqueur in both glasses. He handed me one of them. „Let's drink a toast to a great man instead." We both knew whom I was talking about. Killian looked exhausted as if he had not slept in days. There were dark circles around his eyes. But nothing could harm his handsomeness.

We raised our glasses and emptied them in one gulp. „Another?" „No, I think I will pass." He put the bottle down. There was this awkward silence between us. There was so much unsaid between us, so much that will forever be unspoken.

Guilt was weighing me down when I looked into his eyes. There was so much sadness and desperation hidden in them. This was all my fault. His grief. Henry's pessimism. My tears.

They had started flowing without my notice. The past few months I could not control myself with regards to crying. It just happened. I had cried only a few times before but this past year it was as if I had to make up for all the times I should have shed tears. When Anna abandoned me, when I gave Henry away, when I was put into the foster home again.

I could feel them running down my cheeks. My eyes hurt already and felt like they were swollen. I hated crying, hated how it made me feel. Ugly, sad, confused, hurt, sorrowful. I had not asked for feelings. I never wanted to feel again, after I have been abandoned too many times. But then Henry showed up my door and everything has changed.

„What's wrong, Swan?" His voice broke through my weeping. It sounded worried. I looked at his eyes again and drowned in the ocean of his blue eyes.

I was the reason he and Graham had fought. If I had not been here, they would have separated on good terms. I was the reason for his guilt, I could see it! They had not talked for days. I was the reason that kept them apart. I was the reason they never got clean about their argument. I destroyed their friendship, their family.

He pulled me in another hug. My tears were soaking his shirt but it seemed he did not care. Why was he comforting me? I did not deserve that! It should be the other way round!

„I am sorry." „For what?" „I was the reason you two did not talk." He did not respond. He knew I was right. „I am a horrible person. I never wanted to get between the two of you! It's just … I felt so miserable after our …", what to call the day at the boat? Just call it by its name, „date on the boat. I never wanted anything to happen with Graham", maybe I had intended to sleep with him, but I knew I had no romantic feelings for Graham, „It's just the way I dealt with pain… I know it was a mistake … when all I could think about …" I broke off. He was watching me intensely with his blue eyes in which I got lost every time.

„… was you", I whispered. It was almost inaudible. He just stared at me as if my confession surprised him. Wasn't it obvious? It had always been him. Since the day I arrived, there was this huge tension between us. I just was not sure to what extent. I was lost, lost in feeling something for this gorgeous guy. I was falling for him.

My hand brushed over his cheek. I could feel the beard stubbles tickling my skin. The beard fitted him so good. It made him look even hotter. He closed his eyes. He looked almost as if in pain, as if my touch was burning him.

I pulled back but his arm around my body would not allow it. His face moved so close to mine, our lips nearly touching. „Emma." I made the next step and closed the gap between us. I laid my lips over his. My tongue traveling over his bottom lip. His hands were clawed into my hair. It was so different than I had imagined it. It was soft, slow and nonetheless passionate. I have never shared such an intimidate kiss with anyone before.

His tongue asked for permission and we deepened the kiss. I could not withhold a soft moan. My hands wandered over his back, I could feel his steeled body. He was more trained than I had expected.

His lips were the sweetest drug I have ever tasted. They were soft and moved in sync with mine. It felt like we had done this before and yet it was a whole new experience. His smell was addictive. It clouded my mind.

My heartbeat has doubled. I was sure my face was flushed and my cleavage was cluttered with red nervous-spots.

He kissed the tears away and then met my lips again.

Was this really happening? Was this a dream? Then I hoped my alarm would not go off for hours. Even the time seemed to pass more slowly as if in a dream. He was the only thing that mattered at this moment, the only color in a black-and-white world, the only flower blooming in winter.

I never wanted to break the kiss but eventually we had to because we were both out of breath.

„This was…", I could not even describe the kiss. He pulled away from me. „A one time thing." What? He could not seriously mean that! My dream has just turned into a nightmare. My world was shattered once more. My heart felt like it was bleeding.

He destroyed me just with words. Every word felt like a slap in the face, 4 tiny slaps from which I would bruise, from which I would take a scar or two.

Why did he keep doing this to me? First at the boat and now after our kiss. He always built up false hopes in me. Dreams of a better life, a life of love and happiness, at least until I would die. Hopes that someone other than my own son cared for me.

I felt reminded of my time with Neal. He was only one of many who destroyed my faith in happy endings. But this … this was the rest. I was done. The moral of the story was that everyone on earth was alone. Whoever said something else was a liar and only pretending. Never trust someone because when they disappoint you, you will get hurt and will be left alone once more.

I pushed him further away from me. „You are a coward, Jones." I ran away from me. I tried to escape from him as far as possible.

I seemed to be stuck in an emotional shock because there were no tears this time. Or maybe I had lost my heart completely now.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick something. I was so furious at him. Why couldn't he just have left me alone? Then I would not feel this miserable now. Like an unwanted puppy that was always returned to the animal shelter.

I came across Gold's shop. I knew that all the anger I felt needed a victim and why not Gold? He had tricked me, he had wanted me to be the hero of Storybrooke and set me up! I never wanted anyone to get hurt!

I was storming into his shop. I channeled all my feelings into fighting with Mr. Gold (and imagining Killian behind the counter desk). I wanted to forget how his lips had felt against mine. How his smell got captivated in my nose. How his words ripped my heart out.

„Mr. Gold…" „Miss Swan, I have a gift for you to congratulate you on your new job." „I don't want anything from you", I spit at him. He place a wrapped box in front of me. „I never agreed to this."

„Dearie, it's all part of the act, my dear. Political theatre in an actual theatre. I knew no one was going to vote for you unless we gave you some kind of extraordinary quality, and I'm afraid saving old Regina's arse from the fire just wasn't going to do that. We had to give you a higher form of bravery. They had to see you defy me – and they did."

„there is no way you planned that!" I could not believe it. If this was true he was really a mastermind. An evil one to be mentioned as well. I could not quite tell if he really was on my side, if he was on anyone's side at all. He was just so unpredictable. Every time I saw him, it gave me the creeps, because my superpower just did not work with him.

„Everyone's afraid of Regina, but they're more afraid of me. By standing up to me, you won them over. It was the only way. And now open your present."

I starred at him boldly. He pointed to the box again. I reluctantly unwrapped the box. „The sheriff's jacket. I thought you might want it after all." I held Graham's jacket in my hands. I still pictured him wearing it in my mind. With a smile on his face and a bagel in his hand.

There was just one huge question standing in the room. If he was not really on my side, why help me at all? Why interfere at all and make yourself appear like a criminal to the rest of Storybrooke? This just made no sense.

„Why did you do this?" „We made a deal some time back, Miss Swan. We established that you owed me a favor. I know that can be a bad feeling – owing someone. Now that you're Sheriff, I'm sure we'll find some way for you to pay back what you owe me."

I wanted to snap at him that I would not help him do something illegal, only because I was the sheriff now. I was leaning over to him, ready to grip him by his collar and threatening him to not mess with me, but before I could reply anything, I felt something dripping down from my nose over my mouth and falling onto the counter. Both Mr. Gold and I were frozen.


	7. If I am a loser or just unlucky so are u

**After last night's episode, I felt so inspired :) (POOR EMMA BABY!) **

**Here is a new chapter :) Hope you like it!**

** VMars Lover:** you guessed right :O :D

**Imnotsurereally: **I am glad you like it :D thank you for reviewing :) Every review fed to me, makes me work faster :D

**Chapter 6: If I'm loser or just unlucky, so are you**

My hand wandered to my nose. When I held it in front of my eyes, all I could see was blood. No, please! Not now! Not in front of him!

He starred at me shocked. I tried to smile, making it worse. „It's just a nosebleed." Without thinking I grabbed the scarf of Mr. Gold and pressed it onto my nose. „No, it's pumping out of you!" He was right, a huge pool of blood was on the desk and the floor. „What should I do? You should sit down and pinch your nose or something. Maybe I should call 911." „It'll stop in a minute." „I don't know what to do? Tell me what to do!" He panicked but I somehow had the strange feeling that his last sentence was not directed at me.

„Just get some ice." „What?" „Ice!" „I don't have any here." I sat down. I was so dizzy. The blood just did not stop flowing. „Oh Jesus, you have to take me to the hospital." „Miss Swan, I can't drive." He pointed at his leg. „Then just call 911, quick." Mr. Gold was limping outside and was waving someone to him. I could hear them talking. „Please, I need help!" „Why would I help you?" I instantly noticed the voice. Mr. Gold dragged Killian into the shop.

I had robbed behind the counter desk. Please, please god, don't let him see me like this! He cannot! Not after everything that happened tonight!

„Let go of me. I don't owe you anything. I won't help you." But then he seemed to notice all the blood. „Are you hurt?" Gold looked down to me. I was shaking my head, my eyes pleading with Mr. Gold. I silently told him: „DON'T." „I cannot do this alone, Miss Swan. I need help!" „Emma?" Killian walked around and saw me. „We need to get her out and wait for the ambulance." He just stood there frozen. He did not do anything. I did not even saw him breathing.

„Mr. Jones, help me." But still he did not move, he was frozen in place. „Just leave him." „Fine, we can manage on our own." Mr. Gold was steadying me the best way he could with one arm around me. As soon as we stepped outside, I could hear the siren. Gold still looking shocked. I thought I heard him say: „This was not supposed to happen. We need more time. She is not ready yet." But I guess I was just hearing things due to the blood loss.

—-

I was laying on a gurney and being pushed into the hospital. Mr. Gold was talking to some doctors standing around. „She must be thirsty. She's lost so much blood. Should she have some water?" Dr. Whale came to us. „Good, you are here." Dr. Whale looked at me. „Miss Swan, I have checked your healthy record. You should have told me sooner that you had acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Did she have any signs of thrombocytopenia before today?" He looked at Mr. Gold expectantly.

„I have no idea. I did not even know she was ill." He now was talking to a nurse. „Can you please find out when her last platelet transfusion was?" I was speaking, tasting the blood which came down my nose steadily. „My last platelet transfusion was May 18th." „Okay, thank you, but don't talk. Mr. Gold, come around here and hold her hand." He did so without hesitation. „Squeeze his hand once for yes, twice for no. Understand?" I squeezed Mr. Gold's hand once, only softly since I was so weak. I hoped he had noticed at all. „Yes." Good. I could feel my strength fading as Mr. Gold was talking for me. „Any signs of thrombocytopenia?" „No."

„Headaches? Bruising?" „Yes." „Aspirin products? Bonjela? Teejel? Anti-inflammatories?" „No, none of those. No." „Good." „I am afraid we're going to need to cauterize your nose. Have you been cauterized before?" „Yes, she has." „We'll check your platelets and then you're going to need at least a couple of units. A rough night, but you'll be back home tomorrow."

—

I was only half woken but I could hear someone talking. „What happened, Mr. Gold?" „She came into my shop …", he stuttered, but then thought that the whole story was not relevant, he went on: „…it was a posterior nosebleed. You know, the bad kind. They had to pack her nose with vasoconstrictive agents. Before that they transfused in two units. She now is stable."

„Did the doctors could tell you why this happened?" „I don't think I am in the position to tell you." „Okay, I will wait for Emma to wake up then. Thank you that you stayed with her, Mr. Gold. That was very kind of you." „I am a man of honor, I could not abandon her. Reminds me of something, you should better check on her boyfriend too." „Boyfriend? Emma does not have a boyfriend, at least none, I know of." „Well, Mr. Jones was glued to the spot and looked like someone has ripped his heart out. I hope Miss Swan gets better soon, I really do." „Goodbye, Mr. Gold." „Have a good evening, Mrs. Blanchard."

I heard the clicking of his cane as he left the room. I could feel someone sitting onto my bed and gripping my hand tightly. It felt good. „I am here now, Emma, I won't let you alone." And I did not wake up but fell back asleep again.

—

When I woke up, I was lying in a hospital room. It was a real big one. I guess they don't have that many patients around here. There were flowers next to my bed and MM was sitting in a chair, looking at me. „Emma, how are you feeling?" „Sleepy. Why are you here?" It sounded rather rude. „I am always a volunteer at the hospital and then I heard all the nurses panicking, so I walked outside and saw you. I was really worried and the doctors would not talk to me."

„Thanks for being here, MM." „Emma, what is it exactly you have?" I did not look her in the eyes. I did not want to talk about this but I guess it was inevitable. We were living together. What if this kind of stuff was going to happen to me more often? She needed to know what she had to do then. But I did not want her to be dragged into this. I did not want to be selfish. MM was just so pure, I did not want to break her.

„You can talk to me. I can handle it." I doubt that. „Please, Emma, just spit it out!" She was close to tears, so she was guessing something serious was up. She took my hand in hers again. „Help me up, I want to look you in the eyes when I do." She gently was pulling me up. „Promise me, you won't cry. I could not handle that." I tried a smile, but MM did not respond to it.

„Okay, where to start. Uhmm…I guess I just tell you from the beginning. I have not really told anyone the whole story, so please don't judge if it is not very fluent." She nodded. „Four years ago, well, I thought I had the flu. But it just would not clear up, that's why I went to the hospital, they did several tests.

I was getting more horrified with every passing hour. And then, they confirmed my worst fears. They told me I had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, cancer, which is very rare, since it most of the time gets only diagnosed with children. I started medical treatment, only realizing that it would not heal me, only prolonging my life slightly. The chemotherapy was so aggressive, I spent most of the time in the loo, throwing up and feeling weaker. It simply made me feel so bad. That's why I decided to end the chemotherapy entirely. The doctor's were urging me to continue with it but they could not hold out any hope for my survival if I did.

I did not want to waste my time in the hospital. I did not want to die in hospital." Now, I had said it to her. I was dying. „I wanted my final year to be special, to make up for all the miserable years I had to endure. So you see, staying in Storybrooke was not a new beginning for me, it is an end." I single tear was trickling down her cheeks. „Why haven't you told me before?" „I did not want to upset you. And it's not the first thing I mention when I introduce myself to someone and get to know him."

Her hand has let go of mine. She was brushing away the tear. „Are you afraid?" „It comes and goes. Most people think that when you're sick you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time it's like being stalked by a psycho, like I might get shot any second. Sometimes I forget about it for hours."

„What makes you forget?" „Henry." She now looked like something has hit her. „Did you tell him?" „No, and I won't." „Why? He will find out eventually." „No, because I won't be around when it gets that bad. You have to keep it secret." „I don't think it's a good idea to keep this from him. He deserves to know. Do you want him to think that you abandoned him? That Regina was right?" When she put it that way it sounded bad. „I just don't want him to get hurt." „Well, he will get either way. If you stay or go, it won't matter."

„Maybe I am going to tell him. Just not now. Okay?" „Fine." Dr. Whale came into the room. „Miss Swan, I want to inform you about your platelet count." „And?" He looked at MM. „Oh, it's fine, she can stay." „Given your circumstances, they are good, not perfect but could be worse." „That's good news, isn't it?", MM questioned. „Yes, it is, Miss Blanchard. Will you take Miss Swan home?" „Of course. Thank you, Dr. Whale." MM was red as a tomato.

When he has left the room, I starred at her. „Is there anything you want to tell me?" „It was just a one time thing…", she blurted out. „To distract yourself from David?" „Don't judge me." I had the feeling that she wanted to say something else but bit her tongue to hold it back. „Now let's get you home. You must be tired and hospitals are not that great to relax."

—

Killian:

I was sitting in my car, parking in front of the hospital. A bunch of flowers was lying on the passenger seat. I have remained in this position for several hours, always trying to figure out whether I should go in and talk to her or not.

I wanted to explain to her… why I could not help. There was just so much blood. It was everywhere. On the floor. On the desk. Her shirt was drenched, her hand blood-smeared. This whole situation reminded me too much of finding Milah with her cut wrists in the bathroom. It was like having a deja-vu.

I lit a cigarette. My eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. If I had a bottle of alcohol with me, I would drown my sorrow with it right now. So much has changed in my life. Now I visited two graves on a daily base.

My heart could not take another loss. It felt like only a little piece of my heart was left that was functioning. When it will break one more time, everything good in me that was left will be gone and I will loose who I am. It will be the death of me.

And seeing Emma, I knew that in a short amount of time I would visit three graves. Three people that I have cared about would be washed out of my life. I have realized that I have already, completely fallen for her although I had tried to fight it.

I have sworn to never let myself fall for someone again. Love was hurt. And now here I was, sitting in front of the hospital, still unable to approach her. Still being afraid.

Still questioning what the kiss meant. I knew what it meant for me. She wrecked me. She imprinted herself into my memory and washed away all the feelings I had for Milah… maybe not washed away but just made me look at my relationship with Milah more closely. Had it really been love? I could not tell any longer because when Emma kissed me, it felt a thousand times intenser than what I had with Milah.

But was I ready for this? Could I deal with loosing her? Could I betray my dead best friend?

Why was everything so complicated? Shouldn't love be easy? When two people were meant to be together, it should be easy-going.

Suddenly, the hospital doors swung open. Emma was sitting in a wheelchair, MM was pushing her. The two of them were chatting, Emma was even smiling. When they reached the stairs, MM helped her stand up. She looked weak, but she was alright. At least, for the moment.

MM had her arms around Emma, supporting her. Suddenly, Emma was lurching. I nearly jumped out of the car to hurry to her side. But MM held her tightly. She helped get Emma into the car. Why did I not walk over to her? Give her the flowers and talk to her. How I longed for her voice. I could not stay away from her. It was not possible anymore.

I grabbed my hair and let out a sigh of frustration. I watched as MM drove away. Emma was so pale, but how couldn't she, after having lost so much blood. I did not even knew that so much blood was able to come out of one's nose.

I opened the window and threw the flowers away. This has been a bad idea.

—

I was sitting in my apartment, unable to do anything useful with myself. A bottle of rum was standing on the couch table. But I did not touch it, just starred at it.

My life was a total mess. Of course, there had been some good times, but to be honest, the few horrible moments of my life overshadowed the happy ones. They will always outweigh the times that I have felt light and lucky.

Whenever I thought of Milah, it was a blur of red and dark brown. Her smile a grimace, her „I love you" a mock. She haunted me in my dreams. She was the reason that I questioned myself. I had not been enough. That's why I could not save her. I was not good enough in the end. Maybe I never was. I always thought we were one soul, split in two bodies.

But I was wrong.

I was too selfish. I did not see the signs of her distress, of her sadness. She had reached out for me a few times, giving me hints. I persuaded myself that she was just going through a rough phase. That we were happy.

And Graham. I cannot even begin with thinking of him. I saw his body, stiff and pale, in the coffin, dressed up in a suit. His smile washed out of his face. I could not save him as well. Maybe if we had not fought, I would have been worried for him, searching for him and finding him just in time. When Regina had found him, he was dead for several hours.

He was my family for the last years. The only one I had left.

All the girls I shared the bed with, meant nothing to me. They were just a replacement for the real thing.

I got the tattoo of Milah's name to remind myself, to never fall in love again. Because it hurt too badly, because I did not deserve it. I took her happiness from her. So I should not get a chance to be happy again.

My self-confidence around others was just a pretense, a charade.

I grabbed the bottle and threw it against the wall. Drinking would not get me anywhere.

She had dreamed of me. She had kissed me. She nearly bled to death. I was avoiding her ever since that day. We just were not meant to be. I was not meant for anyone. At first, I only saw her as another distraction, as another name on my list of women, but now… I knew she was so much more. But I could not let myself allow to feel something again. But I already did. I could not help it.

But, because I felt something for her, because I cared about her, I could not be selfish with her. And that's why she would never hear this. I did not deserve her. I could never be with her.

She deserved a love that consumes her. I could see, that she wanted passion and a little bit of adventure, not someone who would use her to heal his own wounds. To drag her down with him. No, I needed to stay away from her. Even if it meant losing my heart, my humanity, everything that I was. I just had to go back the life I had before meeting her.

Everything has changed. But I still remained, glued to the spot, the world has started to move without me. While everyone was reaching the sun, I stayed in darkness. I cannot be saved.

—

Emma:

I was lying in my bed. MM was indulging me, every half hour she brought me something to drink or eat, handing me another blanket because I was freezing, fluffing up my pillow. She even brought the TV into my room, so that I did not have to get up.

She did all of this without me asking her to. Maybe it was not so bad after all that she knew. I felt a lot lighter not keeping this secret from her.

She was lying next to me, we were watching a movie. I never had something like this. I never had a friend before. I almost could not believe it.

I did not follow the movie, I just enjoyed having someone next to me, that cared about me. She would be there when I needed her. She would be in the waiting room, worried about what the doctor would say. I was not alone anymore. I had a place where I belonged.

I grabbed her hand. MM smiled at me. When the movie was over, MM tucked me in as if I was a little child, she turned off the lights and walked out of the room silently. Before she reached the door, I stopped her. „Thank you, MM." „I will always be there for you, Emma. Don't forget that."

—

It has been 3 weeks, 2 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes since I last had seen Killian. I was a bit ashamed of myself that I counted every minute. I was avoiding him and it seemed as if he was avoiding me too. I still dreamed about our kiss. It still turned into a nightmare every night.

I picked up a coffee at Granny's. It was rather early, so I was surprised to see MM there. Shouldn't she be still at home? I sat down across from here. „Em…Emma, what are you doing here?" She said, her eyes wandering to the clock. Suddenly, the door swung open and David came in. MM just started laughing as if I had said something funny. „You did not. I cannot believe it."

So she faked not even noticing him, although she was watching him secretly in the reflection of the mirror. She waved her hands at me to play along her game. „Yeah, it's so unlike me. I guess, it's just what Chicago did to me." David came over to us, two cups of coffee in his hand. „Hey, Emma. Mary Margaret." His eyes rested on her. „David? What a surprise." MM said, her head as red as a tomato.

„How are you?" He asked her, they both seemed to have forgotten about me. „I am fine." „I should probably go now. I will be late." „Of course. I was certainly glad to see you again." „I was certainly glad as well." He walked away, never breaking eye-contact with MM.

When he was out the door, I said: „You never stopped seeing him, did you?" I thought that it was not possible but she grew even more red. „MM, he will break your heart." „He is going to leave her." „Yeah, they always promise that. Look, I know that David is a good guy and because I know this, I know that he will never leave his wife. He has just remembered everything." „He will tell her tonight." „Really?" „Yes. I love him. And he loves me. That's all that matters."

„Well, I guess I was wrong. I am happy for the both of you." „Thank you, Emma." She took a sip of her cocoa. „So, what's with you and Killian?" Now it was me who blushed. „Why would you bring him up?" „Well, it's obviously for everyone that you have feelings for him." „I don't." „Emma, that wall of yours, it may keep out pain but it also may keep out love. You should risk it. At least, try to lower your wall. Being in love is the best feeling in the world."

„It's complicated." „Well, no one said it was easy." „But no one said it was that hard either." „I know you are afraid, and I totally get it. But don't let your illness get in your way to be happy."

—

_„__You are the most beautiful person that I have ever met." I blushed at his compliment. I knew this guy for what … a couple of hours? Since I had robbed the stolen car. He was a thief, just like me. He was alone, just like me. And yet, I was fascinated by him, drawn to him. _

_He invited me to have a drink with him. How could I ever say no to such beautiful, brown eyes? I was under his spell the moment I had looked into the driver's mirror and saw him. Okay, I was frightened at first, because I thought I had been caught but shorty after that I noticed his handsome face. _

_I was starring at my drink. I had never had a drink before. I did not really know what to do. He was still watching me with a smirk on his face. My eyes were locked with his when I took a small sip. He joined me. While my glass was still almost full, his was empty. _

_„__Why does a pretty woman like you have to steal a car?" „To be free." „Free of what?" „Of everything." I looked up to him through my thick, dark lashes. „And yourself? Why are you on the runway?" „Who said I was a runway?" „Well, a desperate person recognizes another." He winked the barkeeper to fill our glasses. I hurried to finish the first one. _

_„__Neal." „What?" „My name is Neal. Neal Cassidy." „I am Emma Swan." „I am certainly glad you decided to break into the car I was living in, Emma." He put a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes fluttered because of his touch. My stomach felt as if it has been turned up side down. My heart was beating fast. What was this? Was I going to be sick or something?_

_There was only me and him. I was not aware of anything else. We had not talked that long and yet… there was something going on between us. An understanding without words. I surprised myself when I sat up and lay my lips on his lips. It did not take long for him to respond to it as if he had read in my eyes what I was going to do. _

_His lips felt so good against mine. His hands travelled over my body, from my shoulders down to the small of my back, where they rested for a while, before they trailed down to my ass. I moaned, which gave him the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped into my mouth, searching for my tongue so that they could dance together. _

_I had never kissed a man before and when I had dreamt about it, I never thought it would feel this good. Or was it because of whom I shared the kiss with? He smelled so good. My fingers were tangled in his brown, curly hair. _

_When he pulled away, we were both out of breath. But he looked down on me with so much … love in his eyes. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had never thought that love at first sight was possible and here it happened to me. _

_—_

_I woke up, Neal's body was not pressed against mine. His body heat not warming me. I panicked, it was so dark, I could not see anything. I shivered. I was so confused. He usually was snuggled against me, his arm wrapped around my body. Normally, I had woken up when he stood up during the night. Although he had always tried to not wake me, as soon as he moved inches away from me, I woke up and smiled at him and then we had sex. Brilliant, mind-blowing sex. _

_Why did I not wake up this time? I was so confused. Then the lights went on and I could see the small cell, which was my home for the past month. Because of him. Because he betrayed me. _

_He had left me. He handed me over to the police. I was nothing worth to him. Everything that we had was based on a lie. Or rather the dreams of a foolish girl. The dreams of me. _

_All that I had asked of my life, was to get a chance to be happy. I thought I had found it. But now I was only heart-broken and pregnant. Pregnant with a child that would constantly remind me of him. Was I strong enough for this? _

_I could love him or her. My hand rested on my belly. But could I care for the child? I had no money, no family to support me, and the father of the child would never get to know that the child even existed. I had tears in my eyes. _

_We could have been happy. We could have been a real family because of the child. It would have been the culmination of our love. I had the picture of us in my mind, where we walked through a small town, a boy (I know there was a 50 percent possibility it was going to be a girl) in the middle of us, holding hands with both of us. We owned a house with a white fence surrounding it. The house itself was painted blue and it was near the ocean. Seagulls flying nearby. _

_But he shattered everything. I had wanted to be free of my fears, of my nightmares and of my loneliness. But now he haunted me. Every way I looked he was there, mocking me. He had been the only thing in my life that I had truly wanted. But he did not want me. _

_No, I could not keep this child. At least, it deserved a chance at a normal life. A life with a family to support it, to cherish it. Not me. I needed to heal on my own before I could be there for someone else. _

_—_

_„__We are sorry to inform you that you have acute lymphoblastic leukemia." „I…I don't understand?" „It's a form of blood cancer." „I have cancer?" „I am afraid so." „Am I going to die?" „We will try everything that we can to prolong your life, starting with a chemotherapy." „Prolonging my life? So there's no chance that I can be cured?" „We don't know that. We just have to await how the treatment will work on you. Do you have any questions?" _

_„__I just… need a moment to myself." „Of course." He left me, I was sitting in the consulting room. I grabbed the next best thing and threw it against the wall. Why? Just why did this happen to me? _

_What on earth have I done to deserve such a life? I felt so lost and lonely. I wished he was here. Neal. I wished he was there to support me, holding me in his strong arms. It has been a long time since I have thought of him, almost a year. And now… I wanted nothing more than feeling his arms around my body, his whispers in my ear that everything was going to be okay. _

_I had never tried to search for him. But now I wished I had. I wished I had told him how I felt and how his betrayal hurt me. And maybe it was going to be too late now. _

_„__Gods, Neal, I need you, why have you never understood that?" I murmured to myself. Before the doctor could come back, I left the hospital. I needed time to think what I was going to do._

_—_

_I went to a support group several times a week. But it was just a waste of time. Because of the group I would not get better, I could not be cured. Talking about my illness was not preparing me for anything. It was just a waste of time. _

_These people maybe had the same fate as myself but we had nothing else in common. With them they brought their relatives. All of them had whole groups of people standing behind them, being there for them. _

_I always came alone. I had no friends, I did not entrust anyone with my illness, I did not want anyone to think I was weak. _

_Nonetheless, I envied them. And that was the worst. Hearing their stories about how wonderful everyone treated them. Only then I realized how alone I truly was. _

_I quit the group a week later and moved to Boston. I needed a fresh start. A new home, a new environment. Maybe even working again. _

_I could not wait for a shining knight in armor on a white horse to appear in front of me and bring me my happy ending. If I wanted to be happy, I needed to reach it on my own. _

_—_

I woke up, panting and sweat-drenched. I guess another nightmare although I could not remember it. It was still in the middle of the night. I got up because it was useless trying to go back to sleep.

I got dressed and went to the only place that one could have fun in Storybrooke. The rabbit hole.


	8. Gone Fragile

Finally another chapter! I am soooooooo sorry it took me that long but I have been so busy I did not find time to write. I hope you like the new chapter! Thanks for 50 followers and 16 favorites :) You guys are the greatest :)

**Chapter 7: Gone fragile **

I was sweating and panting. I woke up confused. My eyes could not adjust to the bright light. I could not see where I was. Something was pressing into my back, something that would surely leave a bruise. Something sticky was bedewing my skin. My clothes were uncomfortably sticking to my body.

Panic was rising inside of me. As I tried to find my way from the bed or sofa, my hand reached into something icky. My foot bumped something off of the thing I was lying on. There was this huge noise when it shattered. My ears felt like they were exploding, my head was spinning.

And then all of a sudden, I could see again. It took me a few seconds to recognize the mess in front of my eyes as my own room. There were uncountable donuts lying on my bed, some even clinging to my body.

Also there were a few bottles of wine standing around. One of them was the thing that pressed into my back.

Nonetheless, I was relieved. I was at home. I just seemed to have an amazing hangover and an insatiable desire for donuts.

I got up and instantly had the urgent necessity to shower and wash the stickiness off of my body, whatever it was. I prayed that it was just alcohol or frosting of the donuts and not my own vomit (sadly, it would not have been the first time that would have happened to me - the time after Neal left was just a dark period).

I nearly jumped into the shower. I turned on the water and at first, I nearly had a heart attack because it was not heated yet. But after hot water purred over me, it was the best feeling in the world.

I took my time showering - I did not even feel guilty for wasting that much water or that much shampoo and shower gel. I just needed that shower - badly.

After that I got dressed. I watched myself in the mirror. Even after the long shower I still felt whacked and I looked like shit.

I had no clue of what has happened yesterday. No matter how hard I tried to reach out for the memories, I just could not seem to grasp it. The only thing I remembered, is, making myself ready to go to the rabbit hole. But that was all about it.

It felt odd being so calm about not remembering a few hours of my life. In this short amount of time so much could have happened. Something important. Something terrible. And I could never know if the desired memory would come back to me…today, tomorrow, never.

I guess it was because I was used to the feeling of not remembering.

—

**Flashback:**

I woke up in a bed that was not mine. I was in immense pain - I felt feeble, like all my energy has been sucked from me. Every tiny movement hurt. There were many people hovering over me. None of them was familiar to me. There was that bright light surrounding them. Someone was talking to me, but I could not understand a single word. Like we were speaking two different languages.

I had no clue where I was or how I have gotten there. I was kicking and fighting the people off when I saw someone approach me with this insanely big syringe filled with a colorless liquid. I screamed for help, I screamed for Neal, believing that they were holding me captive, that I was there against my will. I was sure that they were doing inhumanly experiments on me, how else could you explain all this?

I hurt someone who tried to hold me down. But then, they gave me the injection. I felt a little pain when the needle pierced my skin.

The seconds seemed to last forever. My movements slowed down as if I was living in slow motion. My eyelids got heavy, I tried to fight sleep, fearing that they would take my organs if I gave into sleep. But blackness overtook me.

The next time I woke, my arms were strapped to the bed that was not mine. I felt worse than before, like poison was running through my veins, destroying me from the inside.

Someone was sitting next to me. I tried to break free but could not. „Emma, calm down. I am not going to hurt you. Do you know where you are?" I tried to speak, to answer him, the man with the pleasant voice. He seemed trustworthy, although I did not know why, like I have seen him before. But I could not (my mouth was so dry), so I shook my head.

„You are in hospital. You are treated here. You have acute lymphoblastic leukemia and your are currently undergoing a chemotherapy. You seem to be hallucinating because of it, it is unusual but it happens."

I could not believe him. I could not be ill, surely this was a mistake. I coughed so that I could answer him, I needed confirmation that he told the truth. „Can you bring Neal in, surely he is here? Can I talk to him?"

My supposedly doctor looked at me confused. „Is he at work? I … I can wait." My opposite took my hand. „Emma, I am sorry but I don't know who you are talking about. You have been here for weeks and no one has ever visited you. Is he a relative of yours? Your boyfriend? Should we try to call him?" Now I knew that he had to be lying. Neal would never leave me alone if I had such a serious illness. „Can … can I have a phone?" „Of course." He winked at some nurse standing by.

I dictated her the number of my and Neal's apartment (and I made sure she dialed the right number). She handed me the receiver of the phone. My heart was beating fast like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I only heard the ringing, I prayed that he would pick up. This had to be an insane joke. If I was ill, he had to know. He could explain all of this to me.

No one answered the phone. But there was a message on the answering machine. „Aloha! This is Sarah and (_now a guy's voice_) Tom, (_now they talked together_) we are currently in paradise and cannot answer the phone! Please leave a message, we will call you back once we are back in reality. A hui hou!"

And then my memories filled my brain. Neal handing me over to the police, jail, many pubs, learning of my illness, starting the chemotherapy.

The receiver has slipped from my hand.

—

The doctors explained to me that I was often in so much pain, that I could not distinguish between my imagination and reality. I had to admit that the times when I woke up not knowing I was ill, was the best the chemotherapy ever did to me. Of course, sometimes I was aggressive, but most of the time, I just felt peaceful, like my life was in order. I did not know that I had no time left. I thought that my whole life was before me and not behind me.

And then there where the moments when I woke up completely clear. When I remembered the reason for being there. It was the worst scenario since no matter what they tried on me, it did not work. Every treatment was failing, nothing was effective on me.

I despaired.

And this morning I was reminded of that despair. Because whenever I woke up clear and saw that bright light, I knew that I would die. I was desperate since no matter how shitty my life has been up to that point, I did not want to die. I had nothing achieved in my life, my dreams have not come true yet, there was so much more I wanted to do. There was just so much more that I wanted to experience (Henry's first crush, his graduation, his first day of work, his wedding, …)

Deceitful hopes.

—

After banning those feelings into my subconsciousness again (where hopefully they would not emerge too soon again), I went outside to get the newspaper. I just needed to put my mind off of things. The sun was shining brightly. My hair was in a ponytail since it was a rather warm day.

I leisurely walked over to the mailbox.

I saw Mary Margaret scrubbing her car - with much effort. At first, I thought she wanted to the car to be extra neat since I knew she was kind of a little perfectionist. Nonetheless, I walked over to her. I wanted to ask her if she knew what I was doing last night. But the nearer I got, the clearer I could make out red paint on her car. The combination of paint and cleaning water was running down her hands, ruining her clothes. Although she had erased a few bits of the word, I could clearly read it. ‚TRAMP' was written in capitals all over the car-windows.

She was so desperately scrubbing so that no one could read it.

Without thinking, I grabbed another sponge and helped her to clean her car. Neither of us said something, but I knew that she shared a glass or two of wine with me since she looked a little hungover herself.

A few tears were running down her cheeks but I could not condemn her. I did not know what happened but it looked like her affair with David was finally revealed (and gossip was spreading as fast as a virus in Storybrooke). And her tears told me that it was not because of David telling Kathryn the truth but because Kathryn found out.

After the car was free from any insult, we went inside. Both of us covered in red paint. Mary Margaret made us coffee. I gladly took the cup from her. „Thanks for helping me." „You are welcome and … I am sorry." She did not face me. „You should not be sorry, you have tried to warn me." „How are you?" „Not okay … but I will manage. And you?"

„Why would you ask?" She now looked at me surprised. „Well, when you came home, you seemed to be pretty upset yourself. We then shared some wine, watched reality tv and had some of the delicious donuts you have brought with you."

„Hm… cannot have been that bad since I don't even recall being upset. I guess, I was just drunk." We both took a sip from our coffee. „Want to grab some breakfast at granny's?" She dropped her gaze. „I think, I will stay home today. I am not that fond of people whispering behind my back about me."

„What happened?" „Kathryn cuffed me in the school where everyone could see." „David did not tell her about you guys?" „No, he did not. She was about to leave. I guess, he thought it was the easier way out. Not upsetting anyone. But now I am the town's adulteress! No one is condemning him, I am the bad girl in this story, although he is the one who lied to his wife and … who… who lied to me too. He tricked us both. Now he has destroyed everything."

I walked over to her and hugged her tightly. She was the closest thing to family I have ever had (next to Henry, of course) and I could not stand her being so upset. I wanted to cheer her up, but I was lost for words. I wanted to repay her for all the times she has been there for me since I came to Storybrooke. But you cannot cure a broken heart with words.

„I hope you are hungry because I will get us something to eat from granny's once I am cleaned up." „Sounds great." „I will be right back." I gave her one of my rare smiles. (I hoped it looked cheerful and not like a mask since I was so out of practice).

—

Everyone in granny's was whispering behind my back. I could catch a few words. „Yeah, she is living with HER." They watched me like I had a disease (irony!) that they could catch from only breathing the same air as me. It was good that MM did not come with me. It would have devastated her.

Once I got the bags of food, I stormed out of the diner. I walked home since it was not that far away from home and I had felt too hungover to drive.

I bumped into someone. Gold. „Miss Swan, just the person I wanted to speak to." I had feared this meeting. He knew of my illness, he had to clean away my blood in his shop, he went to the hospital with me. „You quite shocked me the other day. I hope you are better again." „I am, thanks to your help." „I did not do anything, really." „What did you want to talk to me about?" „Just making sure, you are well. I recall having a deal with you that I want to claim one day or other." I did not even hear what he was saying, because my eyes caught sight of something that was much more important. Much more hurting than anything Gold could say to me.

There was Killian. Kissing. Another. Woman. This sight would forever be burned into my eyes. The way he looked at her and the way she looked at him. She was totally in love with him. He seemed to like her pretty much.

Seeing them, triggered another memory. I remembered the last night.

**—**

**Flashback:**

I was standing in front of the shabby building that was apparently the Rabbit Hole. Whenever Ruby had talked about it, it had sounded as if this was the greatest place on earth, where you could forget your sorrows and just party a little. When I looked at it now, I doubted that highly.

I was unsure if I should go in or just turn around and walk home. But since I was already there, I decided I could take a look. I opened the door and the instance I did, uncountable pairs of eyes where staring at me. Either because there were not that many women in here from what I saw or because I was the sheriff. Whatever the reason, I felt uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I did not even know what to do with my hands. What did I usually do with them?

Before I could do anything to shame myself, I stormed to the bar and sat down. I still felt the looks of the people lingering on my back. It made me shiver. Why were they so interested in me? „You cold?" The barkeeper asked with one pulled-up eyebrow. „No, I just need a drink. A long island ice tea to be specific." He grinned at me. „As the lady wishes."

Only then did I realize that the people had begun to talk with each other again. I felt less tensed as I watched the people who seemed to have forgotten about me. Maybe it was because they only wanted to see if I was here as sheriff or as a costumer.

There were the usual town drunks. In one corner Leroy was playing darts with his ‚friends'. He seemed to be pretty drunk already since he was slurring and not nearly hitting the target. They burst into laughter.

I got bored and just watched the barkeeper mix my drinks. He was handsome, just the type of guy I would usually hit on to have a little distraction. He was tall, had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. He looked up and met my eyes. Again he grinned. He had caught me starring at me. HOW EMBARRASSING!

But not even then did I drop my gaze. What was wrong with me? He handed me my drink and when I took the glass from him, I made sure that our fingers brushed against each other. Was I flirting with him? I was so out of practice I did not even know what I was doing. I did it unintentional. I did not even want to flirt with him.

I took a sip and the taste of alcohol exploded in my mouth. It was strong, very strong. I did not even taste the bit of coke that was usually in Long Island Ice Teas. But it was exactly what I needed right now. To put my mind off of things. Off of Neal. Off of Killian.

I emptied the glass. „I am Jim by the way." „Emma. But you already knew that." He smiled at me again. He was definitely flirting with me. „Do you want something else, Emma?" „A beer." He opened the bottle and placed it in front of me. I took it and stood up. I needed to get away from the barkeeper, I did not want to be caught up in anything weird with him. I excused myself and said that I wanted to take a look around.

The place was filled with people. People I meet day to day, people I have never seen before.

And then I saw two familiar blue eyes brushing over me. But they did not linger on me like I was just a stranger. I thought about walking over to him and talking to him, asking why he ignored me or seeing if he was too drunk to know who I was.

Before I could make a step, he came in my direction. I felt relieved. My heart was beating faster because of excitement. It had been weeks since I last saw him. Not since the day in Gold's shop. I was nervously peeling off the label of the beer.

But then he took a turn and walked towards another woman. She had dark hair. She was very pretty and I hated her for it. She had radiant eyes that were staring at him with desire. I could see that she was madly in love with him.

I asked myself how long they have been seeing each other. It did not seem like they met just today. Could all of this … tension between us have sprung from my imagination? Was he never into me? I had seen the pictures of Milah in his apartment. The girl he was now dancing with looked a lot like her, so I guessed she was his type. I on the other hand was the total opposite of the two of them.

I was air to him. And maybe I always have been. Maybe I was just exciting because I was new. And now after knowing of my illness, I have lost all that was appealing to him.

The crowd was swallowing me, blocking my way to watch the two of them. I could only catch glimpses of them now and again. At one moment they started kissing. This was too much for me. I stormed to the toilets. I locked myself in one cabin and started sobbing. The music was so loud, I was hoping it would swallow the noises coming from my restroom.

I could hear the door opening to the restrooms. I tried to hold back my sobs but failed miserable at it which I only noticed when someone called out: „You okay in there?" „Yes, don't worry." I flushed the toilet and wiped away the tears with my hands. I opened the door and hoped that whoever had spoken to me, was already gone.

But there SHE was standing. She looked even more stunning this close. I could totally get what he saw in here. She had curves that every woman would be envious for, she had full, rosy lips that were shining from lipgloss and she looked a few years younger than I was. She was the jackpot every man was trying to win.

And she was even compassionate with a stranger crying in a restroom. She handed me a handkerchief. „Rough night?" I only nodded and took the tissue from her. „I could tell you a thing or two about it." She was laughing. A sweet, soft laugh. She had small wrinkles while laughing. She was a cheerful person. „I guess everyone has a bad day sometimes", I responded sounding shyly.

„Exactly! So don't let a guy make you feel bad! He is just not worth it." I was a bit startled and she seemed to notice. „A girl only cries over a guy. Trust me, I know. But let me tell you this, once you find the right man, everything will work out fine. It will be easy and you will forget you ever suffered from heartbreak."

She handed me a Jägermeister (haven't had one since ages!) and smiled at me. „I always carry two of them for bad times." She raised her glass and emptied the little bottle. I followed her. The taste of herbs filled my mouth and was burning down my oesophagus.

„Anything else I can do for you?" She took the empty bottle from me and threw it in the basket bin under the towel dispenser. I shook my head slightly. But then her face lit up like she remembered something. She pulled down a paper towel and wet it under the running water. She held it in front of my face. Her eyes were asking me for permission. I nodded.

She dabbed my face gently, I guess she was removing the smudged mascara and the traces of tears. She then rummaged in her purse and took out a mascara. She did my eyelashes and put some lipgloss on my lips, the same one she was wearing.

„There you go, all beautiful again." „Thanks." „Oh, you are welcome. I know exactly how you feel." She tucked the mascara and the lipgloss in her bag again. She looked onto her wristwatch. „I must be heading back or else my boyfriend might come in here, wondering if I have fallen into one of the toilets." Again she laughed that beautiful, heart-warming laugh of hers.

„It was a pleasure meeting you!" And out she was. I did not even know her name. But she has been so nice to me. I hated her even more now. Hated her, because I could exactly understand why he would choose her over me. She was so cheerful and so full of life while I was the walking dead in person.

Boyfriend. She had said boyfriend. The realization hit me minutes after she had walked out. They were a couple. They were officially together. Graham had told me that Killian had had no serious relationship since Milah. I could cry again but I would not. I would walk out of this door with my head held high like none of it matters to me. None of it.

I walked over to the bar, I caught sight of HER shiny brown hair, but forcefully looked somewhere else. I headed over to the bar, ordered a few shots, drank them one after the other. Jim the barkeeper was joining me on a few. He even invited me on a few drinks. I tried to joke with him, to flirt with him, but everything felt unreal to me, like I was just a robot fulfilling what it was programmed for.

When I stood up, my world was already spinning. I wanted to head home. This night has been a total disaster. I was weaving, trying to find my belongings. I was not wearing my jacket, when and above all where did I unclothed it? I bumped into someone and the content of his glass spilled over me. Now I wanted to go home so badly, that I did not search for my jacket any longer. I could buy a new one. I won't need it anyway very soon. I would need nothing anymore.

I opened the door, I heard Jim calling after me, but I did not care. I was freezing in the breeze thanks to the alcohol shower. I had to walk home since driving was no longer an option. I walked a few steps and then stumbled and fell to the ground. I could scream because of anger! Why was everything plotting against me? The stupid street, why must it be uneven! The mayor better check it and fix it!

I had troubles with getting up, but I managed it eventually. My jeans were torn and there was blood dripping from my knees. I did not hurt, though. Suddenly, someone was touching my shoulder. I was so startled, I nearly fell a second time.

„Fuck! You gave me a heart attack!" I turned around and starred in the same blue eyes that were not able to see me hours before. He carried my jacket with him. Only then I was reminded how cold I was, but I would not give him the satisfaction to shiver now! I was in total control of my body (at least, I hoped I was).

„You forgot your jacket. I had not even noticed you were in there until I caught sight of your trademark." He smirked at me like nothing has changed between us. Or was I hallucinating? Maybe I had hit my head while falling down. That could be a realistic explanation.

I snatched the jacket from his hand. „Thanks, I had not realized I had left it." He then seemed to notice my sore knees. „Are you alright, Emma?" He did not even call me love anymore. „Yes, it's nothing, just scratches." I hoped my tone was as cold as his behavior before. „Thanks for the jacket, Jones." „You sure you are okay? Did I do anything wrong?" I had to bit back laughter. I wanted to yell at him that of course I was mad at him, mad at him for flirting with me in the first place. If he had just left me alone, I would not have cared about him! I would not feel like my heart was being ripped out. He would have still talked to Graham, everyone would be happy.

But all I said was: „Of course, not. I am just tired." „Should I bring you home? You look a little shaken." „I am fine. ON. MY. OWN." I emphasized the last words, I did not even know why. Maybe to trigger some kind of reaction from him. He only smiled at me, wished me a goodnight and headed back to the rabbit hole.

I nearly ran home after that and grabbed the package of donuts which I had actually bought for work. I needed them more desperately now. When I entered the apartment, MM was still awake. I was glad I had not given in to my tears again. I hoped she did not realize how sad I was. She normally had a sense for something like that. Not that night.

She was crying herself. I did not ask her what happened since I did not feel like talking. I just offered her a few donuts, I turned on the tv and we randomly watched some programs. I could not follow any show that ran. My mind was just too occupied with processing the night. At one time or another either I or MM had opened a bottle of wine. And it did not stay just the one bottle. When we finally went to bed, I took the remaining donuts with me, ate and cried (now she was out of reach to hear me!) in my bed until I fell asleep.

—

Gold was still talking to me about god knows what. I only had eyes for the happy couple, walking hand-in-hand to the diner. They looked so adorable together, I could vomit. I could not stand watching them, that's why I interrupted Gold and said: „Just don't tell anyone about what happened in your shop. I have to go now." I hurried home. I needed that comfort food now as much as MM.

**Next chapter: Killian's pov!**


	9. It's like I can't even feel

This chapter nearly wrote itself! I felt so inspired because of this CD my mum gave me xD

I hope you like it! Please review to let me know what you think about it :D

**Chapter 8: It's like I can't even feel after the way you touched me**

Killian:

_I was sitting in a bar that was more looking like an old tavern, drinking with guys that I had never seen before but nonetheless they looked familiar to me. We were laughing and singing - from what I could tell. My mind seemed to be clouded from the alcohol. _

_Suddenly, a beautiful woman entered the tavern. For the rest of the night I had only eyes for her. Now and again she caught me staring at her. She did not blush, she knew exactly what effect she had on me and she liked the attention. _

_Finally, she walked over to us. I could see her gorgeous body, her long dark hair falling over her shoulders. „Mind if I sit down?" She did not wait for me to answer, she knew exactly what I was going to say if she had let me. _

_She took my drink from me and emptied it. Her eyes never left mine. There was sorrow in her eyes, just like the sorrow in my heart. There was this instant understanding between us. I have never felt this way before. _

_„__I'd like to ask you something…" She looked at me again with those big, blue-green eyes. „Anything you'd like to know, love." „Are you really Captain of a ship?" Her face lit up, she was hungry for adventure, for change. I smiled at her, my first true smile since … forever. _

_I knew that something terrible had happened to me, I just could not get ahold of what it was. There was just this feeling … the painful beating of my heart reminding me of a drastic event in my past. _

_„__What gave me away?" She smiled at me. „I have seen you walking from your ship into this tavern." „You followed me?" I handed her another drink. I waited for her answer, expecting her to tell me she found me handsome or that she was looking for someone to warm her bed for the night. _

_But she simply said: „Yes." She emptied her drink again. „I have to go now. I would love to hear your stories, Captain, if we should ever meet again." She stood up and I took her hand, stopping her from leaving me. „I don't recall you ever introducing yourself, love." _

_Her smile was so beautiful. „Milah. My name is Milah." „See you tomorrow then, Milah?" „Tomorrow." She repeated with a promising tone. I would see her again. _

_—_

I startled up. At first I was confused where I was since the dream has been so real like I was truly there, like it had been a long forgotten memory that has fought his way through my subconsciousness. That sounded crazy since I knew that this never happened.

Milah and I had first met when her car had conked out. She was going through a hard time because of her divorce. She was not looking for something serious and well, I did not want to give up my freedom. It had taken some time for us to realize we were in love, it was not love at first sight like in this dream.

And she would have never asked me about my boat. She hated it, hated how much time I spent with doing the boat up, being on the sea apart from her. She never wanted to come with me. She feared the ocean just like she was afraid of everything new.

Maybe I was dreaming of an alternative first meeting because I always pictured an other future for us if we had not been so stupid in the beginning. We would have had more time together. These dreams made me realize what I have lost, what pain I have suffered.

I had those weird dreams for some time now. The first time on the day Emma had kissed me. Although they were not this clear then. I only remembered a few glimpses when I woke up, just enough to know that Milah has been in them.

Annie was cuddled against me. She was sleeping soundly.

It felt good having her next to me and at the same time I felt guilty. Guilty for pretending. I did not even know how I have been caught up in this mess. My only intention was to carry on with my life before I have met Emma. I was looking for someone … anyone to spend the night with, to continue my list with meaningless names, to fill my memory with faceless strangers.

I had been to the rabbit whole like any other Friday night. I searched for someone that I thought was at least attractive. But I found fault in all of the women there. All I could think about was Emma. She was in every thought of mine. She had spoiled me for every other woman.

I began to drink, I had already given up hooking up with someone since I only searched for features that resembled Emma. Blonde hair, green eyes, high cheekbones. Looking for someone to make me forget about Emma only led to me think about her more, searching for her in all of the other woman.

It was so frustrating. I craved for her voice, I desired her touch, I wished to be intoxicated with her smell. Every cell in my body screamed at me for staying away from her. But I had to. I realized not only because I wanted to protect her from heartbreak, but because of myself too. I had to be egoistic. I could not bear loosing her too. It was better never knowing what it felt like to be loved by her than missing her love for the rest of my life.

Maybe all of this was insane. Even if I never sought a relationship with her, it would still hurt going to her funeral. I would still loose her, even if I walked away now. I could stop my suffering and just be with her as long as her time allows us to.

But I was afraid. Too afraid. I would be swallowed by the darkness again, where no one exists expect myself, where everyone has left me behind. I feared the pain of loosing her. I truly believed it was better to never call her mine, because then I can't truly loose her. You can't loose something, you never possessed in the first place.

I was selfish, I knew that. But that is the way I am.

I wanted to leave the rabbit hole and then, Annie was standing there. Her resemblance of Milah unmistakably. Maybe that is why I approached her, because of the dreams I had had lately. Reminding me of a better time, a time filled with love and not sorrow.

I bought her a drink. We talked. I went home with her. I slept with her. She lay in my arms. I thought it would be a one time thing, but I met her regularly. We could talk about (almost) everything, in another life we would have been perfect for each other. I saw that her feelings for me were growing although it would never be mutual. I liked her but I could never love her - even though she looked so much like Milah.

I hated myself for using her, for wasting her time. But I realized that although I could not love her, I began to care about her. Enough to protect her from being hurt - even by myself. So I stayed with her.

I unhung the pictures of Milah in my apartment and carefully put them in a box that I hid. Annie should never think I chose her because of her physical similarity to Milah - although that was exactly the reason, I had been drawn to her.

We had many dates and on one she declared that she wanted me to meet her parents someday. I knew what this meant. She wanted more from me than I could ever give her and nonetheless, would pretend to give. It was her way of asking me for commitment to her. I faked a smile and told her, that I was looking forward to meet them, anytime they were free.

From that day on she spent most of her times at my apartment like she moved in. It was never a question if we stayed at her place or mine since she loved to watch the sea as much as I did. As I said before, we could have had the perfect relationship.

Except that my heart belonged to another.

It was the worst seeing Emma in the bar, looking at me hopefully. I felt so guilty like I had betrayed her - even though we have never been a couple. I could not even look her in the eyes.

When I saw here leave without her jacket, I could no longer ignore her. I excused myself, mumbling something about going to the restrooms. I hurried after her and even though she seemed to be quite drunk and weaving, she was pretty fast. She turned around the corner and I lost sight of her.

When I finally caught up to her, she was cursing. She did not seem to notice me. I could have said something, I could have harrumphed to let her know I was there. But my body wanted something else. My fingers wanted to feel her skin. I was burning with an insatiable desire for her. When my fingers reached her skin, it was like I was catching fire. How could I ever pretend not having feelings for her?

She looked at me angrily like it was not my place to bring her her jacket, like it was a crime to be attentive. But I knew that she was mad because … I hurt her by turning her down after she kissed me.

My eyes glimpsed blood. Instantly, my heart dropped. I had a hard time trying not to let my face fall. I asked her if she was okay, but what I truly wanted to say was, if I could help her. It was clear that she did not want any help, at least, not coming from me.

She told me she was fine on her own. She lied. She just did not want anyone to see her pain. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I turned my back on her and walked away without glancing back once.

Since that moment I questioned my actions so far. Have I really done the right thing? Could I ever be happy without her? Could I ever learn to love Annie when all I could think about was Emma - even when I was sleeping with Annie, innerly wishing it was her? Was this how my life would be?

As if she was sensing my doubt in her sleep, Annie moved closer to me.

But once doubt was seeded in my brain, I could not pull it out like it was weeds, it was slowly beginning to grow.

—

On the next day I was meeting with Henry. He wanted to talk to me about something. We met not at our usual place since Regina arranged to take the wooden castle down. She said it was because she was concerned about Henry's safety. But I knew what she was really worried about. She feared that Henry would grow closer to Emma than the two of them had ever been. She knew he distrusts her, she knew Henry was looking for a way out of her home. I could understand her. She did not think about anyone but herself, she was selfish, not caring if she hurt Henry with taking his special place from him. All she cared about was that Henry belonged to her alone.

We met in the park where you could buy ice-cream if it was warm enough like today. He was waiting for me on a bench. I winked at him and pointed him to meet me at the ice cream van. I bought him some scoops ( - different flavors, only because I persuaded him too, otherwise it would have been 6 scoops of chocolate).

We sat down on a bench, where no one could see us. I understood that what he was going to say was important to him since we should not be disturbed. „How are you, lass? Haven't seen you in a while." „That's because I have spent some time with Emma." Now he looked upset. „What's wrong?" I was worried that something had happened to her, that she was lying in hospital, that she was … I could not even think it.

„My mum does not allow us to see each other. Emma only said, that she screwed up. It was about something Emma thought my mum was doing illegally but then later it came out she was wrong." I could see that he missed Emma. Something we had in common.

„And my book is missing. You did not happen to see it?" I shook my head. We were sitting next to each other in silence, Henry was eating his ice-cream.

„I cannot understand why my mum hates her so much." „I guess, that's something you will understand when you are grown-up." He put his ice-cream aside, he had not eaten much. That kid was highly depressed. How could Regina not see this? Wasn't his happiness more important than her own?

„No, I think I am the only one who truly understands her hatred for Emma. She is the evil queen, she cursed all of you and now her power is in danger because of Emma, the savior." I did not know what to say. I could not believe he was still believing everything in that book truly happened. I was just thinking he was going through a phase.

„Not allowing us to meet, is throwing operation cobra off. I believe in Emma, I believe that she can and will save all of you. But she does not have faith in herself." Now he was talking like he was a fifty year old guy with much experience. Nonetheless, he sounded insane.

„Henry, you and Emma will find a way, I am sure of that. Regina can't keep you apart forever." He wanted to say something but was interrupted by the loud noises of a motorbike. We both turned our heads in the direction of the sounds. There was someone not that far away from us, sitting on a motorcycle and watching us.

„Whose that?" I asked more to myself and did not expect an answer. „Some guy that is visiting Storybrooke." „Visiting? Strangers don't come to Storybrooke." „Yeah, I was curious too, but you cannot get anything out of him, not even his name." „You have met him before?" „Yeah, he ran into me and Emma the other day, asking where he could get a room." „So he has been around some time now?" „A few weeks, I guess."

Henry and I talked some more, my thoughts never leaving the stranger.

—

In the afternoon I was supposed to meet Annie at Granny's (since it was Valentine's day) but she was late. I guess something at work had to have hindered her. She loved her job, although I did not quite understand what she was doing. She worked in some kind of laboratory in the hospital. Something about analyzing blood samples.

I was sipping my coffee and thinking about the stranger. I wondered what he wanted in Storybrooke. There was just nothing to see here, nothing of significance that could attract tourists. Why go to a deserted place like this? Unless you had to hide something. I was suspicious of him, that's why I told Henry to stay away from him. I would never forgive myself if something happened to that kid because of my carelessness.

I looked out of the window and caught sight of shiny, golden curls. I set upright to get a better look at her. She was not alone, she was talking to that stranger. She was rubbing her temples and I could see, even from this distance that a huge bump was forming there. Had that son of a bitch hurt her? I knew he had had to be hiding something.

Filled with rage, I stormed outside. As soon as I opened the door, I could hear what they were talking about. „Thanks for bringing me, I could not have driven." „Are you really alright? That cane really seems to have hit you pretty bad." „I am just glad Gold did not kill that man. Who knows, if I had arrived a few seconds later…" „He appears to be a troubled man." „You have no idea. Everyone in Storybrooke is afraid of him and now I know why. But I got this feeling that his reaction was about more than just a few trinkets."

„Unless he tells you, I guess, we will never know." „Probably. Thanks again for bringing me, August. I am glad you were near the station or else I would have had to walk home from there, presenting everybody my disfigured face." „It's not that bad." There was silence. I only saw the back of her head. „What about that drink?" „I said sometime." He smiled at her. He waved at her and turned to leave.

She walked towards the diner, only then noticing me. At first there was this awkward silence between us. Neither of us knew what to say. And then she did the thing I least expected her to do. She smiled at me. A weak, whacked smile but nonetheless the most beautiful thing there ever was.

—

We sat in the diner, next to each other. I had asked Granny for some ice or frozen vegetables or meat just anything to stop her bump from swelling even more. I gently pressed frozen peas against her temple. She flinched. „Sorry." I wanted to draw it away but she stopped me. „No, it feels good."

„What happened?" I had eavesdropped and still could not make sense of what I had heard. „Oh, that is a long story, but to sum it up: Gold came to me, reporting he had been robbed, I found most of it and I also found out who did it (although Moe French has eloped), but something important to Gold was missing. He was frustrated, he went on this crazy justice-mission on his own. When I found him, he was hitting French with his cane. I went between the two of them, Gold's cane striking my head."

Her hand lay over my hand above the peas. Her hands were cold and yet, where our hands touched, it felt like I was burning. „I got it." I pulled my hand away reluctantly. „How come you are always that brave, Swan?" „Are you kidding me? I nearly wet my pants seeing Gold brutally hitting that poor guy. But all I could think about was to save them. Moe French from getting his bones broken and Gold, well … one day or other he would have regretted hurting him. At least, I hope I have spared him from regret."

„What did you do with them?" „Moe French is in hospital and Gold is under arrest, he is sitting behind bars in the station. I never thought I would see that." „What is going to happen to him?" „He will be a free man soon enough again, he has the ways and means to get himself out. But the strangest thing was, that Regina wanted to talk to him. ALONE." „And you let her?"

She glanced to the floor. „She let me see Henry for half an hour. How could I have said no?" „You don't have to exculpate yourself. I would have done the same thing. I have talked to him today. He has missed you." „And I missed him. Even though it was only half an hour, I enjoyed every second of it."

Then I asked the question that truly maltreating my brain. „And how did the stranger end up bringing you here?" I hope I did not sound jealous … „The ambulance men would not let me drive because they could not be sure if I had a brain concussion. The ambulance drove Moe French into the hospital and the emergency doctor brought me and Gold to the station. So the sheriff's car is somewhere deep down in the forest. And when I wanted to go home, August offered to drive me home with my bug and I accepted."

„Did you find out anything about the stranger?" „Not much. His name is August, he claims to be a writer, being here because of inspiration issues or whatever." I wanted to ask her about that drink, he mentioned. Did they go on a date? Was she interested in him? But I did not dare to ask. It was not my place to ask her. Although I did not want her to be with another guy.

She put the bag of peas that was now only semi-frozen on a plate that was left from another customer.

„How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!" „Good." „That is all you have to say?" „There is not much to tell." Again silence. But now it was not awkward anymore.

„What about your girlfriend?" She caught me off guard. I had no idea she knew about me and Annie (but I guess, she put two and two together after seeing us in the rabbit hole). „I get why you did not have time to see me, being all lovey-dovey." „I am sorry, I did not tell you. It's just … it happened real fast."

„Don't be sorry. I am glad you found someone. You deserve happiness." She stood up. „I should go home now. It has gotten late and I am exhausted. See you soon?" „I'll call you, I promise." She gave me a weak smile. I could only stare at her while she was slowly walking away.

You deserve happiness. That's what she had said.

Was I really happy?

—

Annie came two hours after we were supposed to meet. She was babbling about how sorry she was and what had delayed her. Her eyes lit up when she was talking about her job. She had always dreamed about helping people. She had achieved everything she had ever dreamed of. She was a winner.

I, on the other hand, had an underpaid job that was okay, I guess, but it was not fulfilling me. It should have been a temporal job only, just until I had someone who would absorb the business. But then life happened, I met Milah and everything else was unimportant. I never tried to reach my goal's in life again. I was the typical loser.

Why would someone like Annie fall for someone like me? Why would anyone ever fall for me?

I only half-listened to what she was saying. There was just so much going on in my mind that I could not concentrate on the conversation. My mind was always drifting back to Emma. I felt like a total jerk, sitting here with my actual girlfriend, thinking of another woman. Always thinking of another woman.

I could feel guilt rising in me, but also grief. Guilt because I could never be the one that Annie deserved. She was a heart-warming person and I truly wished I could love her. Things would be so easy.

Grief because I would never be able to enjoy the future lying ahead of us. The big wedding - Annie always dreamed of since she was a small child - we could celebrate, the children we could have (she wanted at least two), the house we could buy (of course near the ocean but a big one to have enough space for guests). I did not want any of this things. At least, not with Annie.

„Everything alright, Killian? You are so quiet today." „It's nothing, love, don't worry. I am just a bit tired." I was breathing lies, I was just a big pile of trash. „Do you want to go home?" „No, let's eat something first. It's still our first Valentine's day. Reminds me of giving you this!" It had taken me some time to find the right gift for her. I hoped that she would like it.

I did not specially wrap it, it was in a simple black box, the same box in which I had bought it. She looked speechlessly at me. Looked like she did not expect to get anything from me. I smiled at her and gave her an encouraging look to open it.

Although I was not that fond of being in a relationship with her, I wanted to at least try to be a good … boyfriend to her. That was the solution of my misery. Trying. It had to be enough for Annie, for me.

She opened the box. In it lay a necklace with lavaliere. It was a tiny golden seashell on which a heart-trinket filled with ‚water' was hanging.

„It's beautiful!" „Now you will always be caring the sea with you, even if you are at work." „And it will always remind me of you, my sailer! Would you mind helping me?" I put the necklace around her neck and closed the clasp. Her brown hair tickling my skin.

„I feel guilty now. I did not buy anything for you!" „I believe there are other ways that you can repay me." She grinned at me. „Well, we might just take the food with us and go home. You know, we have a microwave if anything was about to intervene." She took my hand in hers. „Sounds like a plan", I responded.

We picked up our food and left the diner.

On our way home she seduced me and we were having sex on the beach. The sex with Annie was nice, but nothing special. I guess, the secret ingredient to unforgettable good sex was LOVE after all.

—

Suppressing my true feelings and pretending otherwise was wearing me out. Nonetheless, that night I could not find sleep. I felt so numb on the inside.

Sometimes I wished I could just run away from everything. Leaving Storybrooke and all the feelings, the bad ones as well as the good ones, behind me. A fresh start somewhere, finally trying to become the man I had always wanted to be. Joining in the navy or something like that.

But I would not. I could not leave HER. And by that I did not mean Annie.

It would always be Emma.

Always.


	10. I thought my heart was bulletproof

**Sorry for the long wait! I hope you have not lost interest :) Please read and review! **

**Chapter 9: I thought my heart was bulletproof, until I met you**

Emma:

I was walking through the forest. Slowly walking because otherwise I would get out of breath too soon. I was no longer in a good shape, neither physically nor mentally.

Physically because of the illness which was progressing quickly without treatment. I once read that out of 400.000 adult cancer patients only 10.000 could be healed through chemotherapy. It does not surprise me that I was not one of them, given that statistic and my general luck in life.

I hated how weak the disease was making me. I could no longer go jogging. It was my number one hobby before the diagnosis. It was like flying, when the wind brushed over my face, when I ran so fast, that I could no longer feel the floor beneath me, when I pushed over my limits. I loved it. It was the greatest thing to me because I always felt so free while running, like nothing could stop me, no matter what was about to come.

How wrong I have been.

Everything changed and everything would get worse soon. I would no longer be able to walk around so leisurely, I would be bed-stricken, I would wait for salvation to end my struggling. I would loose the battle against the illness. I would be another victim that was claimed by cancer. One of millions. And I did not even know what caused it. The latency of genotoxic substances (some of them were contained in food, in our environment, food, tobacco etc.) was too long and there were too many to track the one fatal substance down. I could never know if it was genetically since I did not know who my parents were. Maybe it ran in the family. Maybe I just worked the wrong jobs (inhaling toxic gases and fine particles), ate the wrong stuff, dated the wrong guys who were into smoking.

I would never know. This uncertainty was sometimes eating me up because I always felt like I was being punished for something I had done wrong in the eyes of fate, god, whatever. I could live with the fact that I had brought this upon myself by consuming the wrong things because if I ever got to know it lay in my genes, my faith would forever be broken. Because then I would be unwanted and nonetheless, condemned to die because of some illness I inherited from the parents that gave me away, that did not want anything to do with me. I would have been saved by a boy all those years ago, only too die years later because of this fucking genetical illness. Unwanted and unworthy to live. Sometimes it felt this way.

My only wish was, that it was not genetically for the sake of Henry and the children he may once have. My time was running out. I knew I had to talk to Regina sooner or later. I hated that woman from the bottom of my heart, but she was Henry's mother. If I should leave him or tell him that I was ill and dying, than she should be with us. She should be there to comfort him. Maybe we could find peace with each other, once she realized I would and could never take Henry away from her.

And I needed to enjoy the few days I had left and by god, I knew it would be too little of them. Too little time for all the things there were still to do, the things that were still to see.

All the things considered, I should be worried about so many things, my nearing death, leaving Henry behind without explaining myself to him why I kept it secret, the life I would never have with him, the many things I would never achieve … but the one thing my brain would not shut up about was …KILLIAN.

I knew I made the right decision, going a step towards him, trying to be friends, being supportive about his girlfriend. He truly deserved to be happy after everything he went through with Graham recently.

It was foolish of me to have expected him to fall in love with a lethally ill person. He was searching for ultimate happiness and not temporary happiness. Very temporary happiness.

But since the encounter at Granny's dinner we at least constantly were talking on the phone, meeting each other, going to the movies and so on. A friendship was what we had, was what had to be enough for me. I enjoyed the time I spent with him and I was glad I did not turn my back on him once I got to know about Annie. A friendship with him was better than nothing.

He even introduced me to Annie. We got along quite okay, but it was always awkward when she joined in our meetings because then there was always silence between the three of us, unfunny jokes or meaningless small talk. I liked it better to have time with him on my own or together with Henry. Henry, Killian and I always had a good time, filled with laughter and for some time I forgot about my illness and I just felt … normal.

Annie was nice but I would not be able to like her since she took the one thing I truly wanted to have. I had dreams about shouting at her to take her hands off of him, about punching her sweet smile out of her face, about kissing Killian in front of her and him enjoying it and not pulling back like it had been in reality. Oh my, this dreams seemed to be a way of my subconsciousness to deal with the anger and sadness (as well as my desire for him) that have been built up in me. But this feelings were jut not decreasing, only getting stronger by the day.

I quickened my steps, it was so cold that I could see my breath dancing in front of my eyes. I tried to memorize every detail of this forest, from every tree to its bark, every color in this colorful forest with the green fir needles and the sun emerging from above the trees. I worshipped this moment and hoped to remember it for the times I would be stuck in a monotonous hospital room without colors, without hope, without joy. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I listened to the many noises around me and I heard my own heartbeat. I was at total peace, everything else was forgotten.

Suddenly, there was a disturbing noise in the midst of the forest. It took me a while to realize it was my own cellphone. I picked it up. „Hello?" „Emma, love, how are you doing?" My heart started to beat faster. He had begun to call me ‚love' again. I had missed his flirting and pick-up-lines, although I knew now that they were meaningless towards me. „I am okay." „You sound a bit out of breath, where are you?" „Just walking in the forest." „Alone?" „Yeah, why?" „I just think it's a bit dangerous, love, I recall dragging you up from the forest floor once upon a time." „That was just because I was high." „I am worried though, I don't want anything to happen to you and I could stand a bit of fresh air. Where are you exactly? I am picking you up."

—

I was sitting on a tree stub, rubbing my hands against each other to make them warm. I was waiting for Killian. Some time has gone by since his phone-call. I thought about leaving two or three times but decided against it since I had more time to study the landscape.

And then, there he was, almost running towards me. He was smiling and wearing a black leather jacket that was hugging his figure perfectly. He looked absolutely stunning. His hair a total mess and nonetheless, perfect. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick hair. I still remembered the scent of it from his pillow although it felt like a lifetime has gone by since then. I wondered if all the theories about falling in love were true, that you were attracted by someone not because of their looks but because of their smell. Recalling his scent, which was driving me insane, it surely was possible.

„Hey, sorry it took me so long." „No problem. It's not that I had anything to do anyway. It's Saturday, so Henry is with Regina the whole day." „If you wanted company, all you had to do was ask." „I did not want to impose myself on you. Neither did I want you to throw aboard your plans with Annie." „She is at her sister's this weekend and other then that I would never feel like you forced your company on me. You are my friend, I like spending time with you, love. So next time don't hesitate and call me, understood?" „Yeah."

He had sat down next to me, our knees were touching. I still hated how he made me feel, like some hormone-driven, lovesick teenager. Every touch of his was sending flashes through my whole body. I was shivering, not because of the cold but because of his nearness. His head was turned towards me, his breath touching my cheeks. „Are you cold? We should head back." His face was inches away from mine. If I lifted my head a few millimeters, our lips would touch. I had to get those thoughts out of my brain! I had always condemned MM silently to feel attracted to a taken man and now … I was the same! Every thought was poisoned with dark, forbidden desires, with foolish actions, with stolen kisses. It was like I could not breathe anymore unless I would take action. I felt like being chocked. I did not know what to do. I convulsed.

When I looked at him again, he nearly jumped up. The distance between us made it easier for me to breathe again. „Help me up?", my voice sounded hoarse. Hesitantly, he offered me his hand and I took it, he pulled me up, when suddenly I could see out from the corner of my eye, that a black, monstrous eagle was flying towards us, baring his claws.

I pushed Killian away, but since he did not let go of my hand, we were both landing on the floor, well, I landed on top of him. All I could see were his blue, blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean, in which I got lost all the time. They made me weak, I did not know why. Like they saw my true feelings for him lying buried deep within me.

His eyes were locked with mine, until sprinkles of red caught my sight. „You are bleeding, Killian! Are you hurt?" I searched his face for any serious wounds, there was a bleeding scratch through one of his eyebrows. His hand wandered to the scratch. „What was that thing? I think it hurt me. Thank you for pushing me out of the way." „You are welcome."

Again this silence. But it was a good silence. I could not describe it. Just something I have never experienced with anybody else. I wanted it too last as long as possible -I was almost lying in his arms.

But then I overcame myself and picked myself up, I was kneeling and Killian was sitting. I dogged an unused tissue from my jacket pocket and dabbed the blood with it. „Am I going to survive, Doctor?", he mocked me. And yet, he seemed to regret his remark because guilt was masking his face. I hated how he thought he had to overthink everything in his head before speaking to me. I did not want to be handled with kid gloves. Sometimes I wished he did not know about my illness. I liked him better when he was talking freely to me.

„It's almost invisible." „Is my handsomeness still intact?" He said with that Irish accent of him, that was driving me crazy and directly went to my core. I had to overplay my craving for him, that's why I decided to play along with his necking. „Well, if Annie is into scars than yes." As soon as I said that, I jumped up and ran away from him. „Just you wait!" He was chasing me, but I could not compete against him.

That's why I said after a while: „Okay, stop! I surrender!" He was lifting me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He was spinning us around, until I my sight was spinning too. „Let me down, please!" I was laughing so hard now. „No, I am going to carry you to the car as your punishment for offending me." We both knew that it had been a joke and he noticed how out of breath I was, that was the only reason he carried me. Maybe it had some benefits of him knowing how ill I was since then I got body-contact now and again.

Again his scent was driving into my nose, tickling every cilia until it sank into my brain and was directly stored in my long-term memory.

Too soon we arrived at his car. „Should I drive you home?" He set me down slowly. „No, I am supposed to meet Mary Margret at the Miner's Day festival. She is selling candles in order to bank some good will. Last time I checked on her… well, I think it's going awful." „I am going to join you, haven't been at the festival for years. Get in the car."

—

We were walking next to each other, talking about random things. I could not speak so freely with anybody else. My mind constantly wondered about what it would be like to walk like this, additionally holding hands like being totally infatuated. For heaven's sake I was not romantically minded, but this place was absolutely enchanting in the dusk with all the chains of lights.

Everywhere you could buy stuff that you would never need and nonetheless, the people bought the junk. Killian and I had stopped once to buy something warm to drink, we carried the mugs with us while going to Mary Margaret's candle booth.

By the many unsold candles I could tell that they were barely making sales. The town's drunk and the town's promiscuous woman. Leroy was looking frustrated and not really looking like he could talk people into buying any candles. Mary Margret on the other hand looked like a girlscout, too eager to bring her bars of chocolate to the uninterested people. I was sorry for both of them.

„I would like to buy 5 candles." Mary Margaret turned towards us. „Oh hey, you two. Killian, you don't have to do me a favor." He really was too kind. He had noticed too how poorly the two were selling candles. „No, I don't. I can really use them on my boat. You always have to be prepared for being stuck on the ocean." „Well, then here you go." Mary Margaret put them into a plastic bag, Killian took the candles and handed Mary Margaret the money.

„I really appreciate it, Killian." „I really do need candles though and it's for a good cause. I hope you will raise enough money to help the nuns." Killian was dragging me away from the booth, I mouthed a „See you later" towards Mary Margaret. She absently waved at me while putting the money into the register-box.

„Where are we heading?" „They sell pretty good waffles at one of the stalls. I am starving and because you are like an open book to me, I know you haven't eaten for hours, so I am buying us some waffles." I wanted to ‚but' him, once I saw his gaze, there was no disagreeing with him.

Once he got the waffles, he cut off a piece of the waffle and impaled it on the fork. „Open your mouth up, I promise it's delicious." He was feeding me and god, everything he did was just turning me on so much. We both were chewing the waffle and it truly tasted wonderful. He still was smiling at me, revealing his perfect teeth.

If this whole day had been a date, it would have been one of the nicest I ever had. Must be because he was someone I really liked and not one of the many douche-bags I have dated in the past.

After the waffle I wanted to go home, but Killian was talking to someone sitting in a booth. I was standing a bit offside. His back was turned towards me, I knew that he was a taken man but nobody could say anything about me checking him out, staring at his ass. I was bitting my lower lip. My attraction for him was growing with every passing second, my heart was beating faster per minute.

And then suddenly, everything blackened. Had to be an electricity cut. But I was not afraid of the darkness. I saw it as a chance. A chance to take actions into my own hand. To free me of this feelings. I did not know what came over me, but I walked over to Killian, I was sure he could not see me, because I could see nothing but blackness. But I knew exactly where he was standing, his exact position was burned into my brain.

I could feel the leather of his jacket brushing my skin, while I embraced him. I crushed my lips on his, still tasting the icing sugar of the waffles on his lips. My fingers drove into his thick hair like I had imagined it earlier this day.

The odd thing was, he did not push me away. I could be anyone, a total stranger and yet, he responded to the kiss. He even deepened the kiss, his tongue asking for permission, which was granted without hesitation. He was such a good kisser that my knees were starting to buckle. It felt like fainting and flying at the same time.

When I noticed the first light appearing in the far distance, I pulled away and walked towards the spot I have stood before. Should I stay? No, I had to get away. This was a bad idea. I wanted to push the thoughts out of my mind by taking actions but the only thing I reached, was, wanting him more, desiring more than just a kiss.

I ran away, once I was out of sight, I was texting Killian that there was an emergency at the station and that I had to get away. I knew it was making me the number one suspect and yet, I did not care, he and I … we (well, surely I more than him) had to forget the kiss. He had a girlfriend that he seemed to deeply care about.

My fingers wandered to my lips, brushing over them softly. I would forever remember how soft his lips were, how they moved against mine, how his beard-stubbles had tickled my skin.

Stupid me. Why did I always fall for the wrong guys? That either were not giving a shit about me, treating me like shit or not wanting me at all. It was frustrating.

—

I was sitting in my office just for pretense. There was nothing to do for me. It was Saturday for god's sake. Even Mr. Gold had been released a few days ago, so I could not even make smalltalk with him to put my mind off of this kiss.

I hated my endorphins! Why was I doing that? Why was I kissing him? What if I destroyed everything now? Why did something so wrong feel so good? I wanted to creep in some dark hole and never come out of it again.

How should I face him again? Even if he did not know how it had been, the kiss would be always standing between us.

I was eating ice-cream with bits of chocolate-bars and chocolate-sauce and whipped cream. I needed some calories. I always was eating if something was a total mess, it was the only thing to help me see clearly again. One spoonful ice after the other was landing in my mouth. Once you start with such things you can never stop, it was like a legalized drug that was tasting even better with every bite.

I startled up when the phone was ringing. The spoon was flying out of my hand, everywhere was ice-cream. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself and swallow the rest of the ice-cream that was still in my mouth before picking it up.

—-

I held it in my own hands. The supposedly proof that David had to be lying to me, he phoned with Kathryn only hours before she went missing. But his voice was so honest, no guilt, no hesitation, no stuttering, no shacking in it, when he told me they had not spoken since they broke up and that when he got home, all her things were missing and that he assumed she went to Boston. Either my illness was weakening my ability to tell truth from lie or someone was setting him up. I did not know what this all meant.

I tossed the phone-records aside and I sat into my car. I questioned why I was so calm when everything in me was doubting what I was about to do. Why did I let Regina cloud my mind? But she was only worried about her friend. She wanted to get answers as well as I.

Killian had to know that Kathryn was missing too by now, since he was the only person that could tow away the abandoned car just meters from the ‚Leaving Storybrooke' sign. And now my text message was not made up anymore. It felt like karma to me. I had told a lie to get away, to hide my identity in the kissing-case from Killian and now, Kathryn was missing and it seemed to be the only suspect and the only one with a motive was David, the husband that had left her, that had had an affair. It should be the other way around, why would he hurt Kathryn?

I came to a halt in front of the town's place where the Miner's Day festival was still being celebrated. I did not know why but I had the feeling that I would find him here. The place had lost everything that was so enchanting earlier this day. Now there was just this nervousness inside of me, I felt like betraying Mary Margaret for not being able to find Kathryn.

I caught David starring at Mary Margaret from some distance. He knew that he had messed up. I knew that he was a good guy. He never wanted to hurt anyone, that's why he did not tell Kathryn about the affair when she already decided leaving Storybrooke behind her. I would prove his innocence no matter what. But I had to fulfill my duty as sheriff, I could not let him loose if there was the slightest chance that I had been wrong about him.

He turned towards me. God, I was so not ready for this. „Emma?" „David, we need to talk." There was hope in his eyes, hope that would be crushed soon and turned into something worse. Helplessness. Everything was pointing towards him. „Did you get ahold of Kathryn?" „No, I am afraid not." Now he was confused. I would be too. I caught the first pairs of eyes watching us. Maybe it had not been the best idea to arrive with the sheriff's car.

„I need you to come to the sheriff's station with me a-and tell me everything, David." „I thought I already did." „And so did I." He was walking towards the sheriff's car, not with shame like you would expect of a man who has supposedly made his wife disappear. Our backs were being watched, the crowd behind us was growing and when they saw that he sat in the back, everyone knew something was up. I caught Mary Margaret's eyes, looking shocked and confused and maybe a bit hurt because I did not tell her anything about what was going on?

I sat behind the driving wheel and started the car. I needed to solve this case and if it was the last thing I did.


	11. Shadows of the past

**_Sorry for the long wait! But I had so much to do for university and now with the christmas stress I had not much time writing. That's also the reason for the chapter to be this short, I apologize for this too but I did not want to keep you hanging in the air any longer! I hope you enjoy the short chapter :) _**

**_Chapter 10: Shadows of the past_**

Killian:

_A faceless monster with the skin of a crocodile was standing across from me. A laugh that was earsplitting and so inhumanly. A dagger with a name written on it - a name that is lying on the tip of my tongue, yet I cannot get ahold of it - is lifted in the air, threatening me. I knew that this dagger was important, the key to something. _

_Something was glowing in my hand, it felt warm against my cold skin but yet I did not know what was in my fist and I seemed to be unable to open it. Suddenly, I was pinned to something, a rope around my body, hindering me from moving. I was rebelling and yet, the ropes would not loosen. _

_A figure standing between me and the creature. _

_Dark brown hair shining in the sunlight. A familiar smell of ocean and sweetness. Milah. _

_She was talking to the monster, her voice was shaky. She seemed to be reasoning with him, as though she knew him. I could feel the tension in the air, but I could not hear a single word, it was like I was deafened. _

_The two figures were unmoving. It was the quiet before the storm, I knew something was about to happen. Something very bad and yet, I could do nothing against it. _

_The scene changed and Milah was lying in my arms, barely breathing. I could not feel her heart-beating, which was bereaving me of my logicalness, how was it possible for her to breath and talk without a heart-beat? She was dying, her life was slowly coming to an end. She seemed to be in a lot of pain. I talked to her, trying to show her a reason for fighting. She could not leave me behind like this. I needed her. With her last strength, she whispered: „I love you, Killian." Then her eyes were sealed shut, I would never see the sprinkle of adventure or the love she felt for me in them. _

_And then there was this ache from somewhere in my body. Pain I could not place or describe. Pain and blood. Blackness before my closed eyes, red before my open eyes._

_Nothing made sense anymore._

_Another change in the scenery. A shadow with glowing eyes was displacing me and tossing me into the ocean. Blinding darkness, my orientation gone. But then there was something shimmering in front of me. A tail. Creatures circling me, creates half-human and part fish. Mermaids. I could hear them growling, I could hear their teeth baring. They were hungry for my flesh. Their screams made my blood run cold. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible and yet, I did not move. One wrong move could be fatal. I was sure I was going to die. Mauled by the mermaids. _

_But then a hand was grasping through the water. I took it and was lifted with light speed through the water, leaving the mermaids far beneath the surface. _

_I was lying on a beach, Milah hovering over me. How was this possible? She had died only minutes or hours before. Time seemed to work different now. „My beloved Killian." She was cupping my cheeks, I placed my hand over hers, but I reached through her. Was she a ghost? _

_„__I have loved you so much. Don't trust anyone that tries to make you believe otherwise, not even yourself, hear me?" I could feel no weight of her body, but I did not even feel my own body, it was like an out-of-body-experience. Or maybe I have drowned or eaten alive by the mermaids and now we were together in heaven or whatever this place was. But something was nagging at my mind, it was not my time to be here? Someone was waiting for me. _

_„__You have forgotten me." „No, how could I ever forget you?" She smiled at me. „You have forgotten who you truly are, so you have forgotten me. You are so much more than what you believe." „What do you mean, Milah?" „The answer is locked deep inside of you, Killian. You have to recall our past and your past without me, to find who you are."_

_„__I don't understand!" „Remember who you are, Killian. It's the only way to save HER." „Save who?" „The Swan girl." _

_I was so confused, how could she know Emma? What the fuck was happening right now? „I wish we had more time." She placed a kiss on my lips. This time, I could feel it or just remember how it felt like kissing her. I could feel her pulling away at some point. „Don't leave me, Milah!" My hand tried to reach her but she was slowly drifting away from me. „Hold on to the memory you regained today, at least a part of it." „What do you mean?" „What you knew all along, Killian. I did not kill myself, I never would have, I loved my life. You remembered a glimpse of the day I died." My world felt upside down. I knew now that this must be a dream, but I did not care, if I had only a few more minutes with her, even if she was talking rubbish. I jumped up and ran towards her, but every step I made towards her felt like being thrown back two steps. _

_„__Remember who you are, Killian. And become happy again. There is a reason you are alive." She said, as blackness embraced her and she disappeared. _

—

I woke up, drenched in sweat. I still could feel the pain of whatever has happened to me in my dream. Every muscle in my body was tensed. I was shaking, this was something completely different to every dream I had had lately. I was sitting on the sofa, the TV was running, I must have dosed off since I have not slept very good in a while.

Since her kiss I tossed and turned the whole night, no position was comfortable enough to fall asleep in. I was haunted in my dreams, by what I could not tell. This dreams were driving me out of my mind. How were these dreams connected to Emma's kiss?

I knew it had been her, the moment her fingers brushed over my leather jacket. Her scent was surrounding her like an aura, my nose recognized it the instance she stepped nearer. At first my mind had thought, she was only searching me because she was afraid (stupid me), but my body had known her plan all along, every hair on my body was upright and my body waited for her to make the first move. When her lips touched mine, I was under her spell. They were so soft and tasted like pure sin. It felt so right and so different to every kiss I ever shared with Annie. It was like my stomach was exploding, it was like my heart jumping out with every beat, it was like flying.

When the candles were lit, she was gone. Did she regret it? Or was she just afraid of my reaction since she thought I was in love with Annie? God, I needed to talk to her! I was the reason we were in this situation to begin with. If I had stood by my feelings for her, we would not be caught up in this mess, where everyone was unsatisfied.

I even had this big fight with Annie. I was not the one who had started it. I guess, she was beginning to feel my unhappiness. She was beginning to see through my lies. She had been mad at me for not accompanying her to her sister's birthday but I had not felt like meeting her whole family all at once. It was so much easier if not that many people were involved. If I met her sister and her parents and aunts and uncles then if we broke up, it felt like I had to split up with them too (since I would grow fond of them, I always had wanted a big family, but I have been utterly alone all my life).

She was beginning to doubt me or maybe doubting herself whether if I really was the knight in shining armor that she had always believed I was. I could see it in her eyes. I could feel her pulling away from me. We were yelling at each other and she even slept at her own place, saying that she needed some space right then. I have not heard from her since then. She was ignoring my calls, my voicemails, my text-messages. I wanted to talk to her, to finally tell her the truth. That she just was not the one.

Before I would talk to Emma again, I needed to clear things up with Annie. I finally needed to find the guts to do the right thing. End my relationship with Annie, listen to my heart. Emma was everything that mattered to me. I was such a coward wasting so much precious time. Stolen time can never be gained back, it forever stays locked in the past, unable to grasp it.

I was still questioning, what the meaning of the dream had been. Remembering my past to save Emma? How could you save someone from an incurable illness? And what past?

My whole life I have been in Storybrooke, there was nothing much to remember. A father who had abandoned the family, a mother who had died soon. But suddenly there was this pain in my chest, like my heart stopped beating. Maybe just because I was forgetting to count Graham as my family. He had been like a brother to me.

My brain was working hard, I could feel my head spinning. And then suddenly, an image of a young man popped into my head. He looked like he came out of a movie. Then, there was a name to the portrait. A name that seemed to be important since I could feel a tickling in my whole body. LIAM. While speaking it out loud a few times in succession, it sounded and felt so familiar like the name has fallen from my lips a thousand times.

No matter how hard I tried to remember, I could not recall ever meeting a Liam. Maybe he was an uncle that passed away while I was a child? But there had surely been some pictures of him in the belongings of my mother and father, if this was true. No, I was getting insane. I was sure of that now. I even listened to my dreams! You could no longer reason with me. This name … Liam … I must have overheard it somehow while sleeping in front of the TV. And once you say something often enough, everything feels familiar. I had no different past, no different life. This was silly. It seemed like I needed to get an appointment at Dr. Hopper's. Maybe it would help talking to him, after everything that has happened.

My eyes fell onto the tv. There was a random channel whose name did not even say anything to me. I watched a few minutes until I realized it was a fairytale. The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen, not the happy Disney version but the original one where he was in love with another and she throws herself into the water and dissolves into foam.

While watching the fairytale, something else comes to my mind. „You are all fairytale characters banned into this world, cursed to forget who you were for all times." Henry's words were ringing in my ear now. Could it be true? Was he right all along?

Maybe everything would make sense now. I always knew that Milah and I … we were happy. She loved me as much as I loved her. Her suicide always seemed so surreal to me.

That's because it never happened.

I needed to find Henry.


End file.
